Focus and Humility

My life has become incredibly silent, and in this silence there seems to be much focusing. The focus is clearer on more days than others, but I will keep fighting against the current. I've been keeping myself busy with photography as a way of distraction. In my distraction, I keep capturing the little things in nature that I've never seemed to notice before. These 'little things' happen to have been in my backyard for the past four years that I have lived in my house. I suppose I've been so wrapped up in my own life, in my own selfish deeds that I've never taken a chance to walk out of my backdoor to see its beauty.

I have discovered twigs that leave me in awe. I have discovered flowers that I never knew existed; and it's all of this that is drawing me closer to God. These pictures captured are bringing my focus into a clearer vision that God has everything under control. Like, here's a God who can control galaxies right down to this:

What? We have a God who provides us with random Oranges on trees? We have a God who provides weak stems with strong stems? We even have a God who gives us a beautiful sight of flowers. That's not even a question -that's a statement. How can such images be so easily overlooked? Is it just the 'necessities' of life that overrides every bit of these things? How can these beautiful, tangible things be found in my own backyard without my acknowledgement from the beginning? Talk about humility at its finest.

And here it is. God's reminding me that it's really all in front of me. God's taking my eyesight (while placing it in front of a camera lens) and telling me to LOOK. To truly, wholeheartedly look. This is what I've found. Furthermore, it may be ironic to say that when Corey spoke in front of the Church on Sunday, he kept saying the word 'focus' was laid on his heart. I believe, through Corey, God was and is reminding every one of us that maybe, just maybe, if we take our eyes of this fast paced society and actually look, we'll find something we've missed all along. What ever it may be, it could have been there for a couple of days or years, but all God wants you and me to finally focus.

It's taken a situation, silence and a camera lens for my brake lights to come on, but that's okay.

"And as I peer off into the distance, watching the sun roll on by; beautiful colors all around me. They're painted all over the sky. And the same hands that created all of this, well they created you and I. What a beautiful God. Yes, what a beautiful God. What am I that I might be called your child? What am I that you may know me, my King? Yes, what am I?

That you may die and I may live?" - Shawn McDonald

Relenting.

“You won’t relent until You have it all.”

That’s precisely the statement that sums up the course of my life at the moment. I’m not quite sure of the readers standing with God, so I do not want to come off super-spiritual or condemning. The following that is written is about my experience thus far with God.

There seems to be seasons in life when the relationship one starts up with God is comparable to a car that’s been sitting in subfreezing temperatures. So, let’s say that as I’m walking out to my car, hoping to find it a bit cozier than the outside, but it’s still rather cold - nonetheless, a shield from the blistering cold outside. As I pop the key into the ignition, I expect warmth right away. Instead, I’m met with cold air from the vents. This is all due to the lack of warmth the car had been sitting in just a season earlier.

I suppose I’ll make this crystal clear since, I’m sure, you’re wondering where I’m going with this. I’m the one attempting to start up this car for warmth – A.K.A – God. Just a season before, I had been warm and cozy with this feeling of having God in my life, saying He’s number one in my life, but only truly showing it when I was worshipping or when I was reading my Bible. That’s it. It wasn’t even an hour later I was back to being garbage; which, in return, would make me feel utterly guilty. Figuratively speaking, I would put myself in a jail cell and stay there for a couple of days. I would surround myself with guilt and my emotions would take complete control. Meanwhile, God still had me on a fishing pole, reeling me closer and closer towards Him.

To keep this remotely clever, I’ll complete this idea with my season of being the fish out of water; the suffocating and struggling fish. There’s a reality in that statement that I have yet to put into full focus, but I can see it vaguely. Which explains my situation now.

Here I am now, the little fish that has finally been reeled into God’s glory and is ready to, for the lack of a better word, ‘participate’. I seem to have come to the realization that I want the true type of relationship with God. One that doesn’t waver on what I’m feeling that day or how my relationships outside of God are going. I want God to be number one, as He should be. So far the adventure has been heartbreaking. It’s completely true that God will give and God will take away. I’ve learned to come to terms with things that have to end while I am learning to place God above everything. Sorting out my relationship with God means to literally take those things that are either hindering or covering up His shining glory and put them to the side.

With that said, for however long it takes for me to become stable with my relationship with God, I am not and will not let anything interfere. It’s going to be tough because I am merely human, but this is truly the only way I am going to better myself for any future relationship other than God. I’m more than anxious to grab hold and see what else is in store – heartbreaking and/or exciting.

The next verse to the song above is how I’d like to end this blurb.

“My heart is Yours.”

Today I learned...

This post will be written from a viewpoint that took place on Friday. So, when I say "today" I am referring to Friday.

Exposures can happen in many different instances. For example, you can be exposed to sunlight, or H1N1 or to a life-changing event. My recent exposure came when I opened a new door in my life. It was similar to sunlight, something like H1N1, and very much of a life-changing event - all tangled into one, it went like so.

Today. Today I learned that there is more in this world than Christmas spirit. Instead, there's a spirit of greed and a spirit selfishness. I don't want to say these things cynically, but it's so easy overlook these things when we're consumed with days like Black Friday. Today I learned that my money isn't my money at all. My money sits in an account that "makes the world go 'round", but today I learned that there's a world that has stopped in certain places, and money is to blame. Today I learned that I have a bed to sleep in, while there's someone with concrete to support their dreams. Today I learned that hot food means more to those who don't have it every day than to those who can easily order it from a fast food chain.

Today I learned of three new names - Eric, Lazarus, and Janette. Today these three names have been engraved onto my heart. Today I wanted to share friendship more than I ever have before. I wanted sell my belongings and prevent a lifestyle such as these three have from leaking. The cracks of society seem small, but once I was placed in the middle of society and its cracks, I truly saw the enormity of it all. The cracks are vast, wide and absolutely terrifying.

Today I learned that I have amazing, amazing, amazing friends who want to join together and fill the cracks that were caused by the wrong with the right. These friendships alone glow with the love that is needed to help right the wrong.

Today I saw the sun shine in some very dark places. Today I saw a living virus called homelessness spread to the those who haven't been able to attain everything they've ever wanted. Today I saw Justice being Served right in front of my eyes and the exposure was the most incredible experience thus far. Today I learned that I still have so much to learn, and every lesson learned will ultimately put reality into focus on why I am alive.

"We will be Your hands, we will be Your feet.

We will run this race for the least of these.

In the darkest place, we will be Your light."

My Suffering Sin.

Loving my enemies. Yes, yes that is what I suffer from. This is the one thing that I find most challenging when it comes to my every day living. It's not the forgiveness that I find hard nor is it the forgetting part. It's the bitterness that bites and tears at my insides when the person repeatedly does the action of what ever I had already forgave and forgotten them for.

This happens more at the work place than any other setting and I cannot stress enough at how badly I am burned by the annoyances. Whether it's a co-worker who is the annoyance or a call, I feel like I am eaten alive by these daily irritations and I feel overwhelmed. What it comes down to is that I am not loving my enemies. See, even the word 'enemies' sounds so harsh, like, I'm about to step into a battle; therefore, let's change the word 'enemy' to 'adversary' for the time being.

Okay, let me be blatantly honest for a second or two and write out what I am truly feeling - I probably will regret this. Opinions, we all have them, we are all familiar with ours and we tend to throw them like darts when we're offended in a conversation. Let's just say that one is to work with a very highly opinionated person who has recently been noted as an 'adversary'. The problem is, is that these opinions that this person holds are used in times when they aren't asked for. For example, imagine it's story time and you're reading a book to children whom have just found out that the Three Little Pigs are being harassed by the Big Bad Wolf. Suddenly, one child spurts out that, really, the Big Bad Wolf has every right to be blowing down their houses and there's no if, ands or buts about it. Story time is ruined.

Must be slightly annoying to the story teller. Try having this done during adult story time and about serious conversations. Opinions are thrown around the office I work at like flying missiles, when no one asked for war. It's absolutely mind-boggling to me that one would think that their opinion overrides whatever it is (like, let's say, raising money to feed the needy on Thanksgiving). The opinions, or missiles, that are thrown in my direction are always aimed to offend. Honestly, I cannot fathom why anyone would want to do such a thing to anyone. My opinion? If you don't like what I'm saying, don't share. I don't share my thoughts on everything I disagree with your life. Why?

Because it's not my place.

Back to loving my adversaries. It's extremely tough. I have Bible verses written so I catch myself before throwing a missile back, but sometimes my own self kicks into gear. I cannot stand my actions or myself in those moments, but what am I to do? Love my adversary. That's the only answer I know. Love them because that's the right thing to do. But really, all I want to do is love them because it'll kill them. It's put such a bad taste in my mouth, but I have to persevere. Grudges are something I've never been good at, and it'll remain that way. I suppose I'll continue on my way while bringing forth a good manner when the situation arises.

Love my enemies. No matter what. Right? Right.

Love.

"... love is a reverence, and a worship, and glory, and the upward glance. Not a bandage for dirty sores. But they don't know it. Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it - the total passion for the total height - you're incapable of anything less."

- The Fountainhead written by Ayn Rand

The film 'Once'.

I'd like to happily announce that I've been introduced to the film Once, and I must say that it is one of the best films I've ever seen.

The songs that are, by the way, originally written, have the most beautiful lyrics. In fact "Falling Slowly" won an Academy Award. Another great fact about Once is that it was made in a matter of eight days and there is no adjustment to lighting, which only adds to its dramatic pull.

I recommend this film for that rainy day or that day your heart needs a smile. There's such a great pull into the film and the voices of both Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova will sure to be the music added to your iPod and singing through your headphones.

"Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black. You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won. Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice. You've made it now"

Thank you's, mommy's, and little men.

I haven't any idea on what to post about. My "Reestablishment of Love" post received more attention and love than I had expected. Not only did my cheeks hurt from smiling, but my heart smiled, too.

Since my ideas have been scarce, I decided to write about four lovely little boys whose mommy's are absolutely amazing. The mommy's are young, but that makes no difference. Their beauty shines through their kids, and it gives me much anticipation for my mommy moment. Below are some of the most handsome little boys one could ever conceive.

This first one is my god son, Christian, and my best friend, Angel.

Their journey together is such an amazing story. I love them so much.

This is Elijah. I can tell you he loves to drool and

his mommy, Danielle, is always there to wipe it up.

They're both so amazing. I love them!

This little guy is Larry. Larry's beautiful mommy is Meighan.

Also, how great is this picture?!

This little smiley is Aiden and his amazing mother is Samantha.

I've known her since high school,

and our nicknames weren't nearly as cute as this little man.
* * * * *

One more thing: I would love to thank Miss Moose and her incredibly sweet post. She has encouraged not only my writing, but plenty of others. I would like to give her an e-hug, because those are the type of posts that make others and myself smile. I'd also like to welcome my new followers: Tinkerbell, Nicolette Kristin, and Tiffany! I thank you girls so much for the following of my very Unhinged Thoughts.

The Reestablishment of Love.

I want to start out by asking: "What does love mean to you?" Think about the answer before too many thoughts pile into your mind, and then take the main thought and keep it until I'm done writing this entry and see if your meaning of 'love' lines up.

To me, the word 'love' takes on two meanings: 1) A relationship in which two people share a common feeling for one another, and 2) The platonic type of love - the love for your mother, father, sibling and so forth. It wasn't until I became a Christian did I realize the true meaning of love and what God intends it to mean. With this blog, whether you're a Christian or not, hopefully the real meaning of love will come across in a clearer way.

Obviously my definition of love has always been a physical type of love - the X's and the O's - but never the type of love that I can look at someone and say to myself "I have no idea who they are, what they've done or where they've been... but I love them." Age, race, and gender, these things don't exist when love is applied. The application of love is not a respecter of people. Just like God. According to WikiAnswers, the Bible refers to love "approximately 311 times". With that stated, most Christian's know the verses 1 Corinthians 13 where it speaks of love, but my favorite part is at the end when Paul wraps it up by stating:

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Have you ever wondered what Paul meant by this? It's taken a lot of thought, but an epiphany came to me one night while in the car with my boyfriend. Our conversation was on the subject of love and what God has intended for this word. My thought was:

"I think God has intended to show us that He knew that love is difficult for us. Love is this feeling that is supposed to be given to anyone without thought; something that is not based off physical attraction. God obviously knew that this was to be one of the hardest struggles as man. We get mad as we're in traffic because someone is driving entirely too slow for our liking, so we do things that are completely un-Christian. We're fully human, it's just what we do. God has set out to show us that if we show love, the real true love that He has reiterated 311 times, then we're really running after His heart and desiring what He wants in our lives."

My thoughts started out as a jog, then they turned into a full-fledged sprint. I wanted to turn to the next person I saw and scream that I loved them. Of course I didn't do this, because I didn't want the awkward stares or the cops called, but what I did do was change my outlook. I did this entire reboot of the word love in my "brain dictionary" and reestablished it as something that doesn't limit itself. I am to love the homeless, the drug addict, the Jehovah's witness that shows up at my door, the guy who cuts me off in traffic and the person on the phone who has endless questions. My heart is to be God's heart. My heart is to reach out to every single person without judgement or a second thought. That's what He has intended all this time.

I don't want to be taken wrong in this blog post. When I became a Christian, I knew that my definition of love had to change, but I never quite put it into action. It took sometime but what it came down to was the act of defrosting my heart to realize God's meaning and to have a reestablishment of love.

I have a shirt that I wear sometimes that boldly says: "Love God, Love Others", and it now feels great to know this is what I am literally doing.

Now, what does love mean to you?

Silent fingers.

I would like to have a rant regarding my social life, and even some of you may feel the same. If so, I'm sorry.

My rant begins with the intolerable feeling of having certain friends you just cannot seem to understand. I'm sure any girl knows that we are all programmed to want to talk until our words run out and our mouth feels like a desert. There's the also the feeling of wanting our surrounding friends to have that open ear and little to say when we're ranting about a situation which is currently adding to, what feels like, our demise. These particular friends will more than likely be there at the sound of a dial tone or a sent text; however, this really depends on the person.

It's only been recently that I've actually maintained stable relationships with other females. Before, males seemed much easier to be around. I could fart or just be the weird-o I am without the interruption of judgement. Now that I see it's quite important to maintain female friendships, I also see that it also comes with a bit of drawbacks.

Sometimes when I am mid-rant, friends will suddenly want to talk about themselves. Sure, this is actually nothing rare since we females are full of little stories to compare, but to completely go off topic? Not my dream conversation. My suggestion to each friend, including myself, we should all just use our "silent fingers" and listen. That's all the other side wants. Along with every other female, I would like to get whatever I am feeling across, hoping they have an ounce of consideration, before the conversation is turned over into their land.

I also know that guys suffer from this same problem. My boyfriend has shared many stories of conversations gone wrong. Now it's come to him being very wary of talking to anyone, which is sad. Personally, I don't want it to come down to the act of me talking to a tree, my cat or worst of all, no one. Everyone needs someone to talk to. When it comes to that time when you need to vent, let it all out and take the smart advice. When a friend comes to you in a time of need, show a little compassion and keep any story that is off topic to yourself. This all goes for me, too. My cat really just does not care about my life.

Unpleasantness cured with smores.

I would first like to thank Mae and Taste of Originality for becoming a follower of mine on Blogger. It really means a lot, so thank you. I wish you two had links so I could follow, too!

So, to jump right in this, my weekend was absolutely horrendous. I'm not quite sure what synonym could take the place of horrendous and fit perfectly, but I was thinking 'unpleasant'? Sure. What ever the word may be, my weekend took the first plane ride to hell. It's quite the humorous thing, since I just blogged about how lovely my weekend was before. Oh, I love irony.

But not really.

See, my relationship with the boyfriend took an unexpected turn while on its way to hell and I just wanted to be alone for the weekend. On Saturday, I drove down to a certain mall to ease my mind by doing a little shop therapy. I ended up at my favorite two story Forever 21 store and bought goodies. I then spent the rest of my time here...

..."Here" is the actual the Barnes and Noble at Wire Grass Mall. I studied my little brain out for History, and was only sidetracked a couple of times when my heart decided to take over. I then would take a bite of my Pumpkin Cheesecake to sooth my ache.

I ended the night with take-out sushi and then hitting Starbucks with a friend. Well, then Sunday was a different story.

Sunday was Tesla's - my churches 10th grade group - Halloween party and Matt and I shrugged off the argument 'for the kids'. Costumes, laughing, a bonfire, S'mores - it was just a great time all around. So, really only 75% of my weekend as horrible.

At least it wasn't 100% of the weekend, I suppose. I really think the S'mores cured my unpleasantness.

A picture, pumpkin, perfect weekend.

Pumpkin Patches, Wiregrass Mall, sushi, carving the pumpkins, hot chocolate, and cold weather.

My weekend was perfect.

And lurve. I really enjoy great weekends.

Someone pump the brakes

Before I start, I'd first like to thank my new followers - Missmoose and Jamie! I believe that the addition of followers to each blog makes the world of Blogger go 'round. Along with the rest of the people who follow my blog, you two are also excellent.

Now, time to spill my pot of life. It is no surprise that school has been taking up majority of my time - the essay's, the tests, the questions, the lectures - and it's been extremely difficult to even keep up with blogging. There was a moment when I made it to the blank screen of creating a new post and I just sat there. I realized that I should be studying instead of blogging, so I actually did the right thing. Very surprising.

Along with the school deal, I had decided to put my boyfriend on hold. I basically told him to pump the brakes to his outlook on the relationship. His erratic behavior seemed too unfitting for my life and I, figuratively, shed that piece of clothing for a second or two. He finally knew I was serious when I didn't want to hear from him for a couple of days. Things seem a little bit better on the relationship front, though. He seems to get the idea that I don't want to hear from him every single second of my day and he doesn't need to rely on me so much. This sounds switched doesn't it? Typically it's the other way around in a relationship, but now I can see how annoying we girls can truly be... and we're really annoying.

Other than that, I should be doing an essay on Jefferson and Federalists for History. I obviously did not make the right decision in this case. So, with that, I'll update when something rather spicy happens in life. Goodbye, my little tamales.

Bookworm.

I've been quite the little bookworm lately. I've just recently finished Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, and I then moved onto Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell. I finished Rob Bell's manifesto in a week and decided to tackle Anthem, another novel written by Ayn Rand. Below is my little synopsis of what I thought of each book, mainly Anthem though. This is nowhere near a book review, so don't expect anything fancy.

If anyone has read any of Rand's novels, it would come to be very surprising that I would even read a Christian book after. I suppose I didn't realize this until I finished reading Anthem. It was then that my curiosity was piqued and I wanted to know if Rand was an atheist. Funny, right? I ended up visiting her website for more information on the background of the very deceased Rand - Anthem was released in 1938; Atlas Shrugged was released in 1957, putting Rand's birth date in the 1900's - and found it very enlightening.

Her response in an interview with Playboy (how convenient) on her view of religion went like so:

Rand:
Qua religion, no—in the sense of blind belief, belief unsupported by, or contrary to, the facts of reality and the conclusions of reason. Faith, as such, is extremely detrimental to human life: it is the negation of reason. But you must remember that religion is an early form of philosophy, that the first attempts to explain the universe, to give a coherent frame of reference to man’s life and a code of moral values, were made by religion, before men graduated or developed enough to have philosophy.

Oh, boy. Well, I suppose I could have gathered that outlook from Anthem and its strict moral code of man being restricted by man and/or gods, and Rand writing how no one should ever have these restrictions. However, I did not get the same feel from Atlas Shrugged, although she did throw out a few choice point-of-views on God throughout the book. As far as Atlas Shrugged, I took the book to be more directed at man being on his own and making his own, therefore, earning his own. Understandable. 1,168 pages of understanding. What ever novel, it is painfully obvious that Rand is against the effort of helping out anyone beyond herself; just read any of her novels and her focus of being anti-social.

It almost makes you wonder the type of person Rand was. Did she ever have friends or a social life for that matter? I don't even want to question the act of her even being a mother figure. Anyway, outside of her anti-everything, she is a great writer. I would definitely recommend Atlas Shrugged to any bookworm, and Anthem to anyone whose ego suits them well - there's irony in that statement.

For the manifesto by Rob Bell, Jesus Wants to Save Christians, I would recommend this to any new Christian who would like to get a better understanding of the Old Testament. The book truly helped me out when it came to finding the compassion within myself and do-something mentality to help out others. The only disagreement I had with the book was the liberal agenda that Bell pressed. He was a mere two words from saying "I really dislike George W. Bush" but you can't really do that as a Christian author, so he chose to beat around the bush. Clever.

All-in-all, I'm a bookworm and if you're bookworm, I'd love to hear your recommendations for any novels that you've read lately. Insert smiley face.

Let the God times roll.

I'll blame my lack of blogging to my little bones and their inability to adjust to the little stresses of life, or I'll admit that I just haven't been quite motivated to break out my ticklers and type. Nonetheless, my ticklers and bones are ready to share something amazing that has been happening in my life lately.

It's no secret that I am a Christian and I love God more than I could ever put into words. Lately, God has been moving in my life, but in a crazy, drastic way. He's literally pushing and pulling me out of my box so much. The first incident happened a little over a month ago and that one made me open my eyes and just yesterday, the second incident happened which has still left me in awe.

The first incident occurred while I was actually at church. It wasn't like some moment of in the midst of praying and falling to my knees deal, it was more along the lines of me not having any idea what was going on - this typically happens when God intervenes suddenly. I walked into Reformation, our church's high school ministry, and I knew something was off. I couldn't pinpoint it, but I just did not feel comfortable, and I never feel that way when I walk in there. As I sat down, I realized how uncomfortable I was and just decided to head into the main epicentre where the adults are for Thursday night service. As I walked in, I found a seat and began to get into service when I started look around. My eyes then were on two very bored girls in the row in front of me. It was at the exact moment I was like Um, God, am I supposed to invite them to Reformation?

Before that is answered, one must understand that I am not the person to step outside of my little box of my relationship with God... I found it so embarrassing; I was just scared to come off annoying.

Moving on, as I was asking this in my head, before I knew it, my arm was reaching out and tapping on one of the young girls shoulder. It was like that that both of the girls got up and happily agreed to get out of the adult service and join me in Reformation. Alyssa and Brittany have been going for the past month now and absolutely love it. I love them so much.

Then there was the incident of yesterday. This specific incident that, I believe, pulled me out of my box of comfort Christianity. I got out of class early yesterday and debated with myself if I should go to my next class or not in celebration of making my way through a horrible History test and finishing my horrific History paper. I opted with not going to World Cinema class - we were only watching a movie - and just to go home. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I saw a woman struggling to make her way home on a bike with her book bag hanging over. I was merely taking compassion from the comfort of my air conditioned car, wishing she had a ride. As I drove off from the light, this particular lady had made it some way down the sidewalk-less, two lane road. I instantly was hit with the action of giving her a ride home. I wasn't even thinking of the risks, because at that moment, it didn't even matter. Instead, I kept driving, telling myself it was just my thoughts getting to me and if I continued to think this I would turn around. Well, I ended up turning around and when I was making my second U-turn, I was asking God if this is really what I'm supposed to do, just make a clearing in this crazy traffic for me to get her. Then... there was my clearing. There was no traffic on either side.

I lost my breathe for a second.

Then I pulled over, she put her bike in my trunk and I drove her to her home - which turned out to be miles and miles and miles away. Roseanna, I would soon to find out her name, had just been praying for some kind of miracle to even survive on Ridge Road. She called me her little angel and our entire conversation was a spill of God and how amazing He is. Turned out that Rosanna even attends my church, but with car and family problems lately, it's been difficult to attend. She then had an instant epiphany that if she's willing to ride her bike that far for school, why not church? The whole ride I let her talk and I listened and just wanted to encourage her. When I dropped her off, she thanked me and said she would see me at church.

It's these little, but big things that have been occurring in my life recently. These situations that are magnificently given and then I take hold - having in mind what God wants me to do. They're changing me from the inside out. I have so much compassion driving me that I feel I could move a boulder, and I really could not do it without God. So with that said, let the God times roll.

Success on a schedule.

I was just writing about how there was nothing on the deck of my mind, waiting to drop off into words, when I realized a little pickle that I have run into in life. This really sounds like I just went to look for something to complain/write about, but I promise that it was Facebook's fault. I was just doing my hourly lurking, looking at every ones status', when I came across my friends update that she was officially a junior in college (Hey, Leah!) and I was suddenly completely bummed out.

See, I graduated in 2007, and with the correct calculations, I should be a junior... but I'm not. Instead, I'm a sophomore still and I feel so far behind in my education that it makes my stomach turn each time. I suppose a detailed explanation could give away the reason as to why I'm still floating in my education bowl, so I'll keep it brief and as undramatic as possible.

My parents have this ideal image of me being some crazy successful daughter. One who will never have to depend on a man for her well-being or for anything for that matter. There is definitely something that is skewed with their view, though. They believe that my time at work is more valuable than my time in school; therefore, I must work more than I go to school. It's quite the contradiction since my education will overall determine my career and all of this independence on my own; however, they suddenly become hearing impaired and blind once I try to explain the logicality of it all. They won't hear my need to take off time from work and have more time for school. They throw back their childhood stories of eating noodles, working all day and then going to school in the meantime and how they made it to be successful. By the time the stories are over, I want to shout,

"THAT'S REALLY GREAT. I'M TERRIBLY EXCITED FOR YOUR SUCCESS, BUT THIS IS ME. I WANT TO RECEIVE MY AA BEFORE I AM 30 AND MY MAJOR BEFORE I AM 53."

But... I can't. They don't care. I'm in the wrong, apparently.


So, it's days like these and status' like those that just bum me out. I'm more than excited for someone to finally be where they want to be, but why can't that just be me for once? I want to go to school Monday through Friday instead of working those days. I don't want all of this crazy stress at the age of 20. It's unbearable some days.

I guess what it boils down to is that one day I'll be done and one day I'll have a major. By that time, I'm sure, the rapture will happen and I'll just write for Heaven.

Oh, lawdy.

Season Tease.

There's a certain feeling of Fall around Florida. It seems to still carry the scent of Summer and while there are more breezes than Summer offers, there's not much of a difference. With that said, I have realized that I miss the feeling of being able to have a tangible feel in a season change. Sure, I can look around my neighborhood and tell that the leaves on trees know it's that time of year and it's time that they start shading and falling to the ground for an irritated owner to rake them up. What I don't feel is any slight change in the weather. Instead, it's still quite muggy out, it's still raining like Noah and his Ark are waiting for me somewhere out there and Florida stores, most of the time, still keep their summer line out. It's incredibly depressing if you ask me.

Don't even get me started on Winter. I can talk forever on how I am craving a snowball fight, the act of making a snowman and naming him something completely ridiculous and wearing layers upon layers of clothes only to stand out in the snow for a total of five minutes, because my little bones cannot withstand the cold. Now, while in Florida and I receive "Winter's" that only tickle my toes when it's chilly out. There's no need to buy hot chocolate for Christmas, because you're more than likely to be sitting outside, in a tank top, opening up your gifts. How bland.

Florida is completely unfair to one who would like to feel the love of each season. I swear, each season comes with a kiss; it lands right on your cheek and brings about a soft exhale - letting you realize that it's here and it's time for a whole new wardrobe and it even feels like it could be a new start.

However, my new starts will never occur as long as I reside in this state and have the love bugs love with their love guts all over my windshield each Summer, feel my three added breezes that Fall brings and the tickle of cold that Winter gives. It's all such a tease.

Reality bites.

I haven't posted in a while. It is most likely because the amount of stress that work, school and having a boyfriend can be. It is absolutely draining. Especially lately... I'm disliking my job, my boyfriend complains that I'm 221x more stressed out than usual and, well, school isn't so bad.

I really want a break from life. One of those breaks where it's just me, myself and I and we're relaxing somewhere very tropical and Jack Johnson songs are playing in the background on shuffle.

But I can't, because reality is all too real and it feels unremitting to my wants and needs. I suppose I'll ride this train out, but I don't know how long I can take the ride before jumping off.

I'm kidding.

I guess I can only say one thing: Such is life.

I'll add that to a sticky note.

Stinky words.

I must admit: There is something about a mouth that leaks nothing but curse words and drops of "F" bombs that is more than mildly unattractive. In fact, I find it insanely distasteful whenever a curse word is dropped.

One of the funniest instances that I come across on a regular basis is how the male species believes that this is the way to reel a girl in. I'm really not sure what draws any guy to this conclusion, but the last time a guy swooped me off of my feet using nothing but curse words was when I was around the age of 10. My 10-year-old self found out what curse words were and so, of course, any guy that was cursing up a storm was thought to be some kind of awesome boy and he must know what he's talking about with those words. Are you catching what I'm throwing yet?

See, today's society looks at cursing nothing more than a foreign word used to spice up an explanation of an event, person, place or anything for that matter. When sentences stream from a mouth and they're full of every word in the "No-No" dictionary, I want to ask if they've read any intelligent novels lately or just say, "Really? You could not answer me with any other words in their place?" It's not that I am completely against the use of foul language, it's just the excessive use. It's trashy and unattractive - especially if you're a lady. Well, maybe if you're a British brute, then you'd socially pass... but if you're American - I just "aint" havin' it.

I hope no one thinks my panties are just in a bunch. I just find the act of cursing because you're low of on the amount of words your brain stores, blatantly put, unintelligent. You may drop your bombs, but please, don't do it around me. They come off stinky.

Commitment: My cure or curse?

My life has been utter chaos lately. It's been nothing but twists and turns, zig-zags and dead ends and then starting over again. I feel like most of the situations that have been occurring are, somewhat, out of my control. There's a fear instilled within me now that I am unquestionably afraid of commitment. That word itself scares the skin right off of me.

Commitment.

Isn't that such an easily said word, yet such a hard action to perform? I just went on Thesaurus.com and tried to find other words for commitment and this is what I got:

'Charge, committal, duty, engagement, guarantee, liability, must, need, ought, pledge, promise, responsibility, undertaking, vow, word.'

My heart sank and my mouth became very, very dry after reading those words. I started to over-analyze it all and then I was hit with an epiphany... I'm only 20. Thank goodness, right? Wrong. As of right now, I am in a relationship that one would call "serious" from a distance, but "too serious" from a close proximity. See, if I were to tell this guy that I wanted to be married to him tomorrow, I would be married tomorrow. Isn't that scary? Some may say no, because it's nice to have a guy who cares for you and wants to be with you; however, what if the relationship is just at an unhealthy state? It is at that part where any failing relationship gets to - where the heart of it is barely beating and there's nothing else to revive it. What do you do then? I literally feel like I'm living in lyrics of a song, two to be precise (see: "Hot 'n Cold - Katy Perry and "Decode" - Paramore) and with every line of the song, the more true the reality of the relationship becomes.

How does one go about saying "How much longer can we fake it?"

It's so heartbreaking to wonder how it all got to this place. How we both brought out each others worst and we're chugging along because we believe it's what we want. How did it get this way? The insecurities that ride on your shoulder and that you fire constantly, while I'm left feeling like there's nothing else I can show or prove to you that I have wanted you and only you all this time. I am literally beaten down. The worst of it all, is that I've told you this time and time again, but it just brings up another fight. Then it rolls over to my calculation if whether or not I can even explain things to you. How in the world did it get this way?

Commitment. It's such an ugly word, but I want so badly to believe in it. It shouldn't be a hard thing if this were meant to be, right? Things should not and cannot be this way. I'm 20 years young and the relationships only seem to get harder up hill, because at this age we're looking for someone to commit to, not just a fling - unless you're into that kind of thing. Maybe that's it though, maybe we all start out ready to commit and once we reach that inner core, we just find out that it's not something to actually commit to.

I wish things like this were easier done than said. Maybe we'd all save ourselves from heartbreak after heartbreak and the sweeping thought of "What if I am just the neighborhood cat lady?" No one likes that thought. What it comes down to, is that I just have to learn from each relationship that isn't my commitment just yet; learn the rights, the wrongs, the lefts, the rights, and, eventually, end up on my straight and narrow road.

My excuse for liking the show 'Tool Academy'.

Alright, so I don't typically watch the reality shows that are full of scrawny men who wear giant clocks around their necks and trashy women who prefer sleeping with all contestants to figure out which one will be "the one", but as I channel surfed late into the night (it was really only, like, nine o' clock) I fell upon a screen full of excited guys jumping out of a bus, doing cartwheels and numerous other very feminine things and I was utterly intrigued.

My fascination brought me to the fact that I was now drawn into the show "Tool Academy". Now, most times I would immediately turn the channel and dismiss the fact that I even considered watching it, but that switch in my brain was broken... see, I sat through the entire episode. Apparently, this was the second season of this "Tool Academy" and its purpose is to take total "tools" and turn them into real gentlemen. Urban Dictionary has the definition of a "tool" as this:

"Contrary to what many people (usually tools) think, being a tool has nothing to do with being easily manipulated. Those people are simply "suckers". In fact, tools often take life too seriously, and therefore try too hard to manipulate others and to win everything, but always playing by the rules of society. Intellectual pursuits are not of any interest to a tool, and people who are interested in them are "stuck-up" or "faggy". A tool just likes to have a few beers, watch and talk about sports constantly, and refer to women as "sluts" and themselves "players". Tools are usually borderline retarded, but hide it well because they have the uncanny ability to conform almost perfectly to social norms. If a movie, or song becomes popular in society, the tool will quickly adapt said movie or song as one of their favorites (see Lil' Jon, Souljah Boy, Boondock Saints). Their "social commentary" is often crudely taken from the last episode of South Park. A tool can usually be spotted wearing a backwards baseball cap and athletic attire, playing beer pong at any large, obnoxious party where loud mainstream rap music is played."

I know, I laughed, too. But I completely understood the definition once I saw these guys interact with people around them and their poor girlfriends, and their inability to act anything remotely close to a gentleman. These guys were so engrossed with themselves, that I was surprised not to find them locked in a room, making love to a mirror - it was just that bad. I must say, though... this show is absolutely hilarious. These guys are not only "tools", but they're also practically brain dead. One guy believed that the word "pissity" actually existed and the most steriod-loving contestant said this sentence after he calmed down from being livid he was on the show - "Alright, I changed my tampon, took some Midol and I'm ready to go back out there." ... really? I don't see why anyone would not want to watch this show.

There is a positive thing to learn from this show, too. Each couple that is on there is trying to work through their rocky relationship by showing the guy how big of a "tool" he truly is. So, they're given these competitions against other couples and they must work together to try and win. I really just want to see what guy will be willing to change for his girlfriend or, really, the 100K that is promised in the end.

Sure, some may believe it's staged and all the relationships are fake, but don't try to come and burst my bubble; I never get any fun out of most reality shows and it's fun to see a guy who believes he is God's gift to man, turn into a guy who doesn't have to use a bottle of gel a day and can actually treat a woman with respect.

Plus, I want to be able to laugh twice as hard at what ever Joel McHale has to say about the show.

The Modesty Movement.

Modesty. This seems to be the dying trend in this generation. I'm really not even quite sure when it started. Maybe before I was even thought of being placed into existence and/or maybe it started in the 80's, when teased hair was deemed socially acceptable and mini-skirts and halter tops made their debuts. Whatever the time period was, I believe the time when this, um, "self-confidence" decided to become the new "in" thing, it took a whole new role in affecting those who have yet to hit puberty.

Anyone who passes a Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch can see the latest ripped jeans, with holes that would make anyone wonder. One can also smell the latest "in" perfume or cologne within a ten foot radius of one of the stores. Both of these stores also provide any hormonal teen the great advantage of "washboard" abs and half nude girls on top of one another, or by themselves, on the side of their shopping bag. I mean, it's really no surprise that any ten year old child is not waiting until he or she is thirteen to figure out what sex is all about. These stores are the brainwashers of this generations youth, and, sadly, even to those mothers who truly believe they have missed out in high school and must relive those years in their forties, but that's a different blog entry on a later date. Given these stores and their purpose to promote teen sex and techno, I am brought to the conclusion that it's crucial to have a strong foundation of Christian friends, so they can serve as an accountability to even the smallest of things, like dressing with modesty.

Recently, the guys and gals from the youth group at my church went to Summer Camp and my friends Chelsea and Jessica taught the class on dressing with modesty. They went step-by-step with the girls and then with the boys. Chelsea shared a survey they had taken before on what exactly went through the mind of guys when they see a low cut shirt, girls with short shorts and even a girl in tight jeans. From what I heard, all the girls were taken back with the responses that guys gave. Talk about a light bulb. Then I heard that all the girls from youth went back to their rooms and, without crucial criticism, told one another that either a shirt was too low cut or a pair of shorts were just too short. It worked. Each one of those beautiful young girls had a complete change of mind. Sure, majority will still shop at Hollister and Abercrombie, but at least they're finally aware of the mindset of most guys, Christian or not, when it comes to their clothing and how they dress themselves.

Two of the girls from the youth group, Autumn and Brooke, have even started their own brand of shirts, pushing for a modesty movement.

"Ask me about my body... The media of today is sending out the wrong message. Girls are looked upon as sex symbols. Magazines are full of impure images of women that set a standard for the rest that is unrealistic. We are here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way. Girls do not have to wear low-cut tops and mini skirts to get the attention of guys. You can still be beautiful and wear appropriate attire."

This is all coming from the hands and minds of 14 and 17 year old girls. Awesome, right?

While I know this entry will barely serve as a nudge in society, because most young and even older women crave that certain attention from the male species, but I felt like putting my two cents in. Honestly, that's just the way this generation seems to be going. Sex appeal is the new "in" thing, yet it's something I cannot quite comprehend, but, then again, I do not comprehend half of the things that the world accepts these days.

Whatever you take from this entry, just know that the image you portray does not have to have the scenery of V.I.P lounges, short skirts, low cut tops and some arm candy. Your image is more than these things. Respect yourself and show some modesty; otherwise, you are really just like every other girl or guy.

Tickle, tickle.

I've just stepped into my first class of the semester at PHCC, and I remember why it's so uncomfortable; not only are the classrooms a square inch too small, but the school seems to have the dilemma of too many people this year. My I-quit-smoking-and-I-gained-weight professor shared with our class that his classes have increased 30%. That means... if I have a bad day and I'm sweating my little pits off, surrounding others will know. I'm not so sure if I'm down with that.

Really, my best suggestion is just to not become lazy, as I proved my senior year of high school, and for those to actually apply themselves in applying to universities. Go away! Be free, little butterflies. Stop taking up my class space because I was too lazy to apply to universities. I want to be at PHCC with only 15 others in my class. It's the least I could ask for.

Anyway, this weekend was off the chain -that's right, I just said that - but, don't tell my boyfriend I had an awesome weekend. He's easily bummed out when I pick up the phone and I'm out with our friends, but that's what he gets for being responsible and working in Miami for a week! From watching Garden State with Chelsea and Holly - "This is tickle." - to driving to Orlando with Chelsea, Natalie, Chris and Pat, singing Backstreet Boys... tell me why, ain't nothin' but a heartbreak... and, not to mention, my delirious moments (check in with my state of being after 11 o'clock, it's not a pretty thing) of truly believing a cockroach was on me. I really haven't laughed that much in quite sometime. I do wish Matt had been there, though. We all shared moments to rekindle the flame of his nonexistence.

Back to reality, though. The semester has begun and my life will be brought back to the 5mph it seems to stay at during school. My brain does the same thing, too. It's all a vicious cycle. Next class is to begin in t-minus 22 minutes. Help.

A Little More To Grasp.

It's been a while since anything of excitement has been in my life, but I finally have a great story to tell!

On Monday, Chelsea invited me to dinner with her and two young girls from Reformation, the youth ministry at our church. Sixty kids, and however many adult leaders, had just returned the Saturday before, including my boyfriend, and I was more than excited to hear all about it. My boyfriend shared in many details, but I only received his side: the setting up for the kids, the worship, the things he encountered with God, and all of these things still made the hairs on my tiny arm standup and made me feel tickled - but, what I really wanted to hear was the kids point-of-view's and now was my opportunity to hear it.

It wasn't until about two and a half hours later, after hearing every detail of Summer Camp with the water park and the classes they attended, did I finally get to ask to Kelsey and Malia:

"How did God move in each of your lives? What did you walk away with?"

Their responses brought a smile to my face. One was of how she was in a dry season, where it almost felt like there was nothing she could do or give to get back to where she was with God, but it finally came around. Through a word of encouragement from everyone around her and even God, just telling her to push through it. Then the other sweetie, who finally was able to let go of some things and was able to experience a new level with God. Their ages: 14 and 16. And that's how it was for the rest of the kids that were there. During worship one night, they were all piled into one living room, with some having to file into the kitchen, the worship band stopped playing and all they could hear were the screams and the singing from the kitchen.

After Monday night and after hours of conversation and, not to mention, three restaurants later, I drove home feeling filled with the Spirit. Like, those stories alone just helped me to grasp a little more of how amazing God truly is. He moved through 60 kids in that house. He moved through leaders and counselors. He lit the flame that had died out in people and even helped people to come together and to fellowship - without judgement and without fear. He helped by speaking into the leaders while they were teaching classes. My boyfriend said, as he was speaking to the Echelon tribe, he knew something came over him, because it wasn't him that was speaking; he was able to speak about things that he never thought he would. That's a mighty God.

I still feel goosebumps just thinking and talking about what happened over those five days at Summer Camp, and I wasn't even there. There are such amazing kids at Reformation and such amazing leaders. I really am blessed to attend and be with everyone single one of them every Thursday.

Reformation's Worship Band

How has God moved in your life lately?

Pandora's Mind-Box

My thoughts have been so mangled lately that it's almost overwhelming to write. When I want to write, it's almost as if I feel too overrun by the massive amount of thoughts, so when I sign into Blogger, I sit and stare at a blank page and let the cursor, um, curse me.

How funny. Maybe that is why it's called a cursor? It haunts any writers mind, like a ticking time bomb, that never explodes or implodes - it only clicks. Do you see how much my mind has been through? Maybe it's all the Sushi I've been eating.

This is me.

I feel like I'm stressing out over so many things, but I'm also hoarding these stresses away in my personal Pandora box - it sits cozily in the back of my mind, unopened until that precise moment the matter needs to be faced and beaten to death, or just taken care of.

One of these things just happens to be the scholarship for Atlas Shrugged. I have to write an extremely long paper for the chance to be a winner of a grand $10,000. It just so happens to be one of my favorite books so far, so it should be fairly easy to spew the words. I wake up thinking of the book, so I write until my little mind is drained and do it all over again. It's a vicious cycle.

You better wish me some kind of luck, though. I take it in the form of kisses, hugs, gifts, money, etc. Then we can dance.

The conversation that needed coffee.

Last night was just the dose of good conversation that I needed. Holly and I went out to a hip hop dance class that's actually held in a very urbanized warehouse, where I sat and watched the class and was highly entertained. I put my Facebook status as: "Breanna Jones is forgetting about how chaotic and crazy today was at work and getting ready to join Holly for hibbity, hip, hip, hop class. And to answer your question - No, I am most certainly not dancing. I'm no Jenine." and my I received a text message within five minutes of posting from Tyler Wall, Travis Wall's younger brother, asking why I wasn't dancing. How embarrassing to text back the horror I would endure while attempting to pop and lock and get 'jiggity' with it. It just wasn't going to happen.

Anyway, after watching everyone learn the dance and get it all down, our drive home was filled with a flow of great conversation. We talked about everything from books to relationships to who we are as individuals. It felt so great to talk to someone who I could relate to and to even get advice that was needed. I realized a lot of things and put a new perspective into play for my life. See, Holly has so many great ideas and goals for her life and what I find most inspiring is that she takes the initiative to tackle the goal. She has realistic views, while most will list short-term goals, but those only prove to be unrealistic and far out of reach. Honestly, it's wonderful to have such encouraging people in life such as her. It was just one of those conversations that needed a cup of coffee.

What about fonder and hearts?

Does anyone realize what happens when they're terribly bored? Well, the past seems to come to light every time one looks around and realizes "Dang, my present holds nothing. I guess I'll take a shuttle to the past." and when my mind has a thought like that, old pictures, old notes and what not are discovered.

In my case, it was my old Xanga account - you know, that old type of blog you used in sixth grade. My discovery led me to all of my other accounts, where I soon realized that I was a total nut. I wrote everything that happened throughout my day, assuming people cared. The crazy thing is, is that people actually cared! I had actual comments, or "e-props", or "take backs", from friends or random people that read my blog. It almost freaked me about a bit, because I would literally write about nothing. Some days, my blog only consisted of one sentence. I also realized how angry I was. My words were written out of spite, formed to attack and stab. Also, I cursed like a sailor and now that I think about it, I also had friends that would show up to my doorstep on a daily basis, wanting to hang out. What the heck happened?

Well, moving to Florida probably had something to do with it. Actually, probably all of it. One thing is certain, I miss Virginia Beach terribly. My annual visit is long overdue, yet I suppose it's a good thing. My life is anew and to try and change that by warping myself back to the past won't help a thing. This sentence was contradicting.

Back to my present. My boyfriend leaves for a week tomorrow for our churches youth summer camp event, and I'm going to miss the bones out of that boy. Although, I tried to explain to the boy that it might be a good thing we're apart for a week and he immediately grew defensive and asked why. I then tried explaining the "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" saying and that proved futile. It only made me realize that yes, this little break will be great. We've been bickering so much lately that it's dried me out like a plant left without water and in too much sunlight. At least I know he's going to be a great leader for all of the kids. Our relationship plays no role in that and his time with God will, more than likely, reveal a lot of things. God's just that good.

I've been planning what I'll do within this week he will be out of town. Spending my quality time with God and even cleaning my car that may have infestations of some sort. It's disgusting, I know. I'll also be preparing for the Fall semester of school that's coming up quicker than a pimple, and even, hopefully, finishing Atlas Shrugged and starting the scholarship. But before this all begins, I'll be getting sushi at Kazu's with the boy.

But first I need to get off of work...

Boys; Filters.

Imagine this attached to a brain.

Now, imagine that brain is a guys brain.

They should be born with these.

Lurve.

I suppose it's over confident and rather conceited, but why do guys bother with falling for me so quickly? It's not that I am having a full out complaint about this, because some girls don't get this "luxury". This "luxury", however, can be almost slightly unbearable.

See, girls are always presumed to be the prowlers and the jumpers in a relationship. By prowling, I mean we come off as the pathetic, bar hopping chick who will give the 'sex-eye' to any walking male. By jumper, I mean after the prowling and 'sex-eye' it's the jump-into-this-relationship-and-make-babies. While some of this may hold true to SOME women, most women these days have become very self-sufficient and have learned to be independent - knowing someone will eventually come along in their lives, without the prowling and jumping. This is the part where I blame the male species and all of their schemes.

I blame every male on this planet for making women believe that there is hope for true, undying love more than once in a lifetime. I will share examples of events in my lurve (I'd rather call it lurve than love, because I haven't quite found love yet) life for references to my points.

1. After dating a guy for two weeks one year, we were walking along the beach one night, I saw that "I Love You" was written in the sand. I stated that it was cute some guy wrote that and then he proceeded to hug me, with my WHAT!? face over his shoulder, and he confessed his "undying" love for me. We lasted another couple of weeks.

2. I once met what I thought was the guy of my dreams. He was insanely handsome, he played for my favorite Christian artist at one point in time and he still held a title of a studio drummer. He hadn't had a girlfriend in two years, so I was some lucky bait... at least I thought. I remember once we were in the car and he held my hand and was talking about how "Maybe... we're meant to be." You can only imagine my heart rate. Then came the promise ring and family meetings. Well not long after all of this, his real side seemed to kick in and the distance between us seemed to suffocate the lurve right out of us. We broke up.

3. My last example is the guy who was the sweetest. He was attending a legitimate university, he was about to start law school and he was always encouraging my passion for writing. If it weren't for the over haul of unrequested presents (I'm not that type of girl) that flew my way and his incessant calling every five minutes, maybe we'd still be together. Well, maybe not....

According my stats and to the above, my belief is that it is clearly the male species fault when it comes to a relationship and why it faults. I believe that if it weren't for the above statement and actions, maybe these relationships would have continued down a safe, slow road. Instead, the relationships jumped the curb into on-coming traffic and we both were taken down by a tractor trailing hauling a large gas tank. That's what I get. I am in no way shape or form regretting that these things happened. I am so very happy my time came to an end with these guys. My future would have probably involved some speed bumps (we were on the wrong side of the road). We had already missed the warning signs, so it was doomed from the first "I love yous", "We are meant to be's" and hundreds of dollars spent on goodies.

What I am trying to drill at here is that guys always blame the girls for going "too fast" in a relationship, when really, they're more guilty than they think. Their smooth talking seems to hint to a girl that they want something more serious, so we go for it. Maybe a guy should watch his step before assuming.

I heard once that guys enter a relationship thinking the girl will never change, while a girl enters a relationship hoping the guy will change for the good. That itself just proves the female and male species are both a ball of confusion and chaos - and when they collide, it's either lurve, love or death via explosion.

Some days, I really do miss these particular days;

life felt exciting.

But then I re-think my thought and I question myself:

Do I really, though?

My Carrie Bradshaw moment

I stood still, with my back turned. He called my name from that stupid blue minivan he sat in. My eyes were locked on the chair in the Starbucks lounge, while my heels turned to face him. Despite every bone in my body telling me to run or walk very quickly in the opposite direction, behind closed doors, my brain spasmed and I turned around to say "What?"

He smiled his creepy grin, while his big nose reminded me of why it all ended - drugs, not shallowness -and told me that "I don't have to run." Hilarious. I wanted to grab my non-existent gut and laugh hysterically. Instead, I just reiterated my "What" with more annoyance.

His attempts with let's-catch-up-in-two-minutes-while-I-sit-in-this-minivan were futile. His talk of his joining the Navy and my dry answer of "Cool" ended the conversation before the third minute could arrive. I walked away from the whole situation laughing, and I called my present boyfriend and exclaimed how funny it was; his amusement on the issue was dead. He ended up thinking I hugged him and we made up or out, whichever. I suppose he will never understand my dislike for that character in the minivan.

What I do know is that I looked mighty cute and I'm mighty glad I did. No ex-girlfriend wants to be caught looking like a drab... even if she dated a pathetic loser. It's already enough to say the sentence "Yes, I did date that...thing... once in my lifetime." Sometimes, a young womans life can really be like an episode of 'Sex and the City'. I would like to dub that as my Carrie Bradshaw moment.

And why in the world was he in a minivan? Oh well.

Hobbies and Harley's.

Crikey. I wish the clever little thoughts that cross my mind and inspire me to write a blog came more often than once a week. It's highly annoying when one notices they've gotten behind on their blog, but, in reality, who reads this thing anyway?

Well, if anyone's interest is piqued, here goes a brain poop of thought...

I actually had a horrible weekend and the only highlight seemed to be the movie "The Hang Over". It's one of the funniest movie since "Knocked Up" and "Superbad". From the naked Asian jumping out of a trunk to the horrible scenes that end the movie that seems to reveal anything and everything that clothes cover. After the movie, Matt and I went to Dairy Queen where he failed to understand how my stomach could possibly be begging for a small ice cream cone at 10 PM. I then dubbed that the situation was one of those in which the male species will never comprehend, and there are no words a girl can form and say without blowing a circuit - so I responded with a "just because" attitude.

In other thrilling news, I get to see my brother today! He's a Marine and he may be returning back to Afghanistan, so he has leave at the moment. I'll also get to see his new wife (they've known each other for a whole 6 months and she's younger than me) and tease as much as I please.

I feel like there's so much to do lately. I need a hobby; a hobby that will keep me so busy that my little mind won't know what to do. Then, I'll learn to hate that hobby and ask why I wanted one in the first place - then the process will start over again. Amazing how the mind of a woman works. I also need to get things done before school starts again in the Fall, but then I question "What the heck are these things?!" I just know there are things. Ew.

In the meantime, I'm going to go and ride my sweet Harley around this town, smoke Marlboro Reds and contemplate my life through self-help books.

Kidding.

I don't read self-help books.

Answer, please.

What does it all mean?

You contradict yourself at least twelve times in a matter of twenty minutes. You're about as protective as an alligator in any zone of water. You're quick to assume that my thoughts are elsewhere when I am quiet. You want me to be open with you, so I am, but when I try to pry the latch to your door of life, you have "nothing" to share.

What does it all mean?

You have to believe that you're always right. I try to call you out on certain things, but you justify every action; you could make a tiger look like a kitten if you wanted. Is it manipulations?

What does it all mean?

I cannot hang out with old friends, because the crowd I was previously in was bad... but where are you tonight?

I want to believe that this can work. I want to believe that maybe this really isn't you, because this is not who I knew in the beginning. You say my anger is not something you knew in the beginning, but have you heard the way you talk to the opposite sex? Try wearing a new pair of shoes. Try switching your attitude, and maybe, just maybe, you will see.

Until then, I'll be in the verge of tipping the cup over. The water is almost full; there's only so much I can take. Don't do this.

What does it all mean?

Contentment in growing up.

The perks of Facebook come in many forms of stalking. You can become a creep subconsciously and statements such as "Crazy that I see you today. I was just on your Facebook last night!" are no longer considered socially awkward, because one will more than likely get the response, "No way! I was on yours, too!" Are you catching what I'm throwing?

I was on Facebook earlier today and I was looking (or creeping) on my 'old' friends from high school and a thought crossed my mind. This single thought that made other thoughts unfold.

"When are they going to grow up?!"

This may sound slightly judgemental and it may come off a little condescending, but slow that roll - it's not intended to come off that way whatsoever. It's more to question the mindset of where one should be in their second or third year of college. One would assume position of responsibility, for example, losing the taste of parties and the amount of alcohol consumed. But, unfortunately, they don't. Instead, they begin to wander into parties held by those that are still in high school or just still partying with the same crowd. Quite frankly, it's not my cup of tea.

I began to see it my junior year of high school. I was new to the school and barely knew a soul, so when I would go to the parties with my recently-made friends, I'd see these older kids there. It did not really set in until senior year, that these 'older kids' were actually graduates from many years prior. That's when my mind was made up to never become that person, and I never have. So, I gather that it is not so surprising that these few that I graduated with are still doing the drink-'til-they-drop deal.

Call me an old fart or boring, but I'm happy I grew up a little after graduation. Once the doors of graduation flew open, it was literally like I never heard from more than half of my "friends" again, and I was content with that. I figured I'd probably put on my big girl shoes and walk on with my life. I've always known that I want to be successful and success cannot be found in a bottle of beer or with people who, outside the realm of partying, would not understand my goals. I'm starting to sound like a Starbucks junkie. You know, one of those people who sit at Starbucks, contemplating life and smoking packs of cigarettes in one sitting? But in all reality, I really am glad to be the person I am today. Without the stern talks and pushes from my mom, I would probably be one of those doing a keg stand in a picture. Did I mention those pictures posted on social websites can destroy a future job?

I don't mean to trash talk anyone. I just wonder when they're going to pick up and move on. Those who believe the drinking and partying is 'fun' and go by those silly quotes such like, "You only live once" are really missing the bulls eye of life. Perhaps, I really am just a boring ol' gal, who would rather hang out and go bowling or even go to church than to a party where every mindset is to get as 'shwasted' as possible and drive home.

What ever it may be, I'm 20-years-old and I'm happy to be where I'm at. I would not have it any other way.

Stop. Collaborate and Listen.

"I don't know. But I've watched them here for twenty years and I've seen the change. They used to rush through here and it was wonderful to watch, it was the hurry of men who knew where they were going and were eager to get there. Now they're hurrying because they are afraid. It's not a purpose that drives them, it's fear. They're not going anywhere, they're escaping. And I don't think they know what it is that they want to escape. They don't look at one another. They jerk when brushed against. They smile too much, but it's an ugly kind of smiling: it's not joy, it's pleading. I don't know what's happening to the world."

That is one of my favorite quotes taken from the book that I am currently reading, Atlas Shrugged. It's an amazing book so far and it is so well-written that I recommend it to any bookworm. Other than my attempts at trying to sell this book to a pair of eyes and an open mind, that passage itself made me wonder: "Why are we always in such a rush?"


There are certain moments in ones life where they stop and actually, well, think. They may think about the future, about the past and only stop to think about the present only to relate it to the future and if there is a chance that, what ever may be going on in life currently, will be rewarding or prove to be of no use. With that said, my moment of reflection was what my step-dad (or pops) had said at the dinner table the other night:

"You know, I heard something interesting today. They were saying on the radio that it is useless to think about the past or the future. If you constantly reflect on your past, and if it was a horrible past, your attitude will constantly be horrible. If you constantly try to see into the future, then you're always going to be worrying. They said that if you just stay in the present then there isn't much to rush."

Now, I may have not gotten the quote exact, but I'm sure you get the point. All of us sitting at the table found it quite intelligent. I suppose it's because there never is an acknowledgement to just stop and remember that the past is over, the future is barely foreseeable and the present is all we have. We're always in a rush. Yet, we always wish to be on a beach somewhere, lying with someone we love or someone really attractive and to have no care in the world besides the sun burning our little noses. But when it comes down to reality, we know that our Blackberry or iPhone must be by our sides because we cannot be cut off from reality cold turkey. No. No, it does not work that way. There seems to be such an indifference or even a naivety that we do not want to face that we're in a loop to be constantly busy.

One can argue that our generation lacks any of the above-mentioned and that argument could be proven to be true, but not in my case. My case stems from the fact that my mother is a control freak. Not the one that is a hoverer, but one that pushes and pushes to the extent that it is utterly annoying, and you are counting down the days that you're free from her. But, it turns out that I have to turn around and say to my own little mother - "You're right." All that she has ever wanted for me in my life is to be successful. Sure, she's been incessant in seeing this done since the day I learned to talk. She's been relentless ever since then and I really cannot blame her one bit. Maybe one day I'll thank her for never allowing me to become a human being that never amounts to anything. I was always pushed to make better grades, to work in a better place or to surround myself with better friends. One day I will thank her.

In the meantime, I'll continue my rant as to why we're always going. There may not be anything truly wrong with always going, but why can't those who are 'on-the-go' constantly just stop - stop to think about what they're actually doing. Personally, I feel the need to be doing something all of the time. If I'm not working, I want to be in school, and if I'm not in school, I want to be doing anything besides nothing. Does this make sense? I apply this all to myself. Even my other half wonders why I must always be going.

I don't want this to be a blog about "Finding your inner self" or finding an "inner purpose", that's all crap. This blog was more to lay a finger on that knot that binds our lives to be some constant spin of trying to accomplish everything in our path. We're all meant for something. It's just about taking the time to stop and focus in on it and then take that step, not leap, forward.