Go.

I am in my workout room, attempting to figure out a moment to think. Just think. That's all I want to do at this point. I attempt a yoga move and I don't even do yoga. In fact, I just typed "Yoda" instead of "yoga". I figure, maybe, it will pour some thoughts out of my ear and I will be left with fewer thoughts than I started with. That was an obvious fantasy that concluded in me possibly pulling an awkward muscle. I give up. In the midst of my giving up, I keep hearing Corey's voice.

"You need to go." he says, enunciating the go. And that is that.

It was said with such intensity across the table at Steak 'n' Shake. I took a sip of my water, allowed the words to sink in and then he went into further explanation. Corey kept saying that I need to figure out that God isn't found in a podcast or a book... that God is doing things in people, and particularly those found outside the walls and seas that America is surrounded by. Just moments and conversations before, I had been talking about this exact same thing with the kids in my car; how I was ready to go on a missions trip, but I just did not know where yet. Then to hear Corey confirming that? I think God is ready to tell me something. Even in recent weeks I have been debating on where God wants me to go, what He wants me to do, how He wants me to act. Then with every question, came some kind of distraction... something that kept trying to through me off of my axis.

But that is how it happens. I find myself asking where God wants me to go, and here comes the enemy himself, attempting to unravel the things God is trying to put together. Or let's be honest here: "Yet You know me, O Lord; You see me and test my thoughts about You." Jeremiah 12:3. Either way, I am getting back onto my axis.

I feel on the verge of something. Something that I cannot put my finger on. I just know that it is going to be utterly life changing. All it took was Corey, my leader and my friend, to speak it out loud to me; telling me to go. Just go. Is this making any sense? I feel everywhere.

It has been such a season of transoformation for so many of us, and I don't know if it is going to come to an end anytime soon. I think our 'Christian clocks' are tired of ticking; God is ready to set off our alarms. I can say, though, that I am so happy I will not be the only one waking up to the things God is preparing. I am surrounded by an amazing community that has been put into place by God, and that alone gives me such a peace. With this peace now, I will continue to keep persevering. It really is time for me to get up and go.

June 15, 2010

It has been since the 15th day of June since you decided you would leave. I haven't been able to fill the void in my heart that only a brother can fill. My efforts in trying to reattach the blood line that we were both born into seem futile; you cut it on a consistent and daily basis. I'm fully aware that you want your line with your Creator cut, too... and I think that is what hurts most. You grew up forming that relationship yourself. Molding and growing into the man that God has wanted you to become; fighting the battles that raged inside, all with God standing by your side. Who would have thought you would turn on the truth that if everyone is against you, God is for you? I don't understand and I can't understand.

What I do know is that you are forever my brother and forever I will love you. I may not agree with your decisions, but I hope your consequences do not drag you into the crevices that possibly await at the end of this crooked path. I feel like you know this already, but I also feel like you were sinking for a long time... and it went so unrecognized. Because you were so closed in and threw away the key for anyone to get in, how could we have known? I wish I had gone searching for the key. I wish that my senses were intact and my eyes had been more open. I apologize now, and I hope that it isn't too late.

More than anything, I pray that God is going to use these rebellious decisions in your story with Him. There is this wonderful artist who is ready to create a masterpiece, but he needs you to come back to Him first. He's a jealous God, and He will be persistent in getting you back. He will chase you down to the end of the rope. You were His first.

Please don't give up the good fight, little brother.  Please come home, but most of all... please listen when God is trying to break through the darkness. I love you so much.

Why we "Like".

Why we like the "Like" buttons that list incredibly annoying things on Facebook should be an obvious one. But it may or may not be something that is buried in our subconscious. It is only awakened when we have someone to shake it from the depths of its sleep. I am here to shake it. It will be a small shake, because, like I said, it is an obvious one.

My opinion on the matter is we like the "Like" buttons that list incredibly annoying things (e.g. "I peed my pants in third grade and my life has never been the same") because there is something relational about this. When we see these certain quotes, certain topics or things that really have no meaning, we feel a tug from our inner gizzards. Now, I'm not quite sure of the location of these gizzards, but I am pretty sure it ignites our subconscious. Take for instance one of the two things I actually like - "I talk/sing to my plants" - slightly embarrassing, but true. Why do I choose to share this with Facebook? Because I can and because it gives me pleasure to know that I am not the only one out there that is a lunatic.

That is it! We are reassured we are not the only ones that feel "this way". Whether it is through those cheesy/inappropriate quotes (probably something from Twilight or Superbad) or things that we thought we do all on our own ("Walking around in your underwear") it is quite comforting to not be alone in those awkward habits, and for them to be revealed via Facebook - even better! We are set free from our totally strange ways and we don't even care. Facebook has become the open door to every good or bad habit we have, whether or not we are annoying the crap out of our friends.

Did I ever mention that I used to have stinky feet? And when I say used to, I mean that my little, stinky problem disappeared. Kaput. Done. Over with. I hope you can relate. If so, we should totally make a group on Facebook.

Or... not.