Speak for the weak.

Some days I feel utterly useless. It's on those days where I want to help the world with one touch. It's only when the scene sets in and documentary is shut off that I'm brought back to the surroundings of my small feet and small hands. I don't blame my petite body for my lack of get-out-there-and-do-something mentality, but I do blame my distraction.

I get distracted by my own problems such as thirst, hunger, pain from a stubbing my toe or cramps because it's that time of the month. But my stomach turns as soon as I watch these documentaries of those who do thirst, but no water is brought towards their mouths. Those who hunger, but no food is brought forward to fill their bellies. The pain and agony of diseases that seem uncontrollable in their population, while no cure is found. The cramps that every woman may get, but that cannot compare to how they worry what their children will eat next.

It's things such as these that make my individualistic point-of-view seem disgusting. I almost want to slap my wrist and ask myself what I'm doing. Why am I still here? Why aren't I out in the world, seeing these things, writing about them, looking for answers?

I've been put here for some kind of purpose, correct? Not to just sit in an office, working Monday through Friday and having Saturday as a relaxation day. Why can't I see this side of myself everyday? This side where I'm suddenly charged with helping the needy and the homeless. I feel like those dollar bills that I give out to the poor on the roads aren't nearly enough for what is going on in other countries.

Maybe one day I will. Maybe when my intellect grows and my mind is set beyond myself and beyond my needs (which will hopefully be soon), then I can finally grow to become that person to reach out their hand and show the kind of love that has never been shown before. One day I will speak for the weak.

Tracing

I've been seeing this really great new guy and I've never really realized how much fun it is to have someone who truly wants to know me. He asks about my days, he wants to know about my past, texts me to have a great day and if I get angry, he will stare at me for a creepingly long time until I'm smiling again... and it completely tickles me.

The car rides with him are pretty spontaneous. He hates my sense of direction, but he loves to serenade me with his horrible voice (see: Meet Virginia - Train). He will randomly ask how much I like him on a scale of 1-10, and why I like him. I find it humorous, until I realize he's absolutely serious. I tell him he's at a four, but maybe he'll improve (really, he's at a ten). Then I asked why he likes me and he said one thing that bounces around my head. I believe it was the third reason that he was on...

"You balance me out."

I liked that. Although he spills waters on me in restaurants as he clumsily tries to pass the bread, and calls me out on everything ("You just wanted to touch my hand"), I still think he sits at a ten. It's pretty strange how you go from one relationship, thinking you're supposed to be with them, but when it comes down to the core of it all, the lighted reality, it turns out you're just posing two puzzle pieces together, hoping one day that the fit - but they never will.

Then there's him.

I hope I'm not jumping the gun or falling too quickly, because that would not only be embarrassing, but slightly annoying. I would blame my level of emotions as a girl and become the neighborhood cat lady.

I'll try to guide the relationship by a line from "Tracing" by John Mayer as much as possible.

"There is a reason strong moves slow"

Right? Right. But don't doubt for a second I won't become that cat lady.

Yawn

I'm really tir....

Sorry. My eyes and ears can only handle so much death and destruction via XBOX. I'm sitting here listening to Matt and John play some stupid game, when all I'd like to do is pass the flock out. It would feel absolutely great given the fact that I got home from a Hillsong concert at 1 in the morning and had to be up by 7:30 this morning.

The Hillsong concert was great, by the way.

There were a good 4,000 people there and it was just a Jesus hoppin' good time.

Jesus does too hop.

Oh and guess who text (is the right term 'texted', because I hate that term) me last night. That's right - the ex. It wasn't too eventful. Just wondering why we're not friends, why I moved on, and that "he wasn't upset". I feel like I'm bashing or talking smack... so... here's a sorry in advance. But really, what did he expect? For me to paint my walls black, wear heavy eyeliner and cry to Dashboard Confessional? That's a no bueno in my book.

If you don't see anymore posts, it's probably because I've died from Matt's gas leak. He's blaming the steak. Everyone's dead.

The Kitty, Eel and Dingo.

This was before Matt realized he should put the kitty down because he is highly allergic. Also before we had this conversation...

Matt: "I guess I should have only taken one Benadryl..."
Chelsea, Jessica, Stephen, Me: "How many did you take?!"
Matt: "Three."

And then, finally, before we all got worried Matt would not be able to drive home due to his intense drowsiness that soon followed. I tried reading the label and where it read "May cause drowsiness" but to no avail, he still lost that battle.

This all occurred while we were in the midst of playing Nerts. I know, I did not know what it was until Saturday, so really... don't fret. I was told it was oodles of fun and it turned out to be the type of fun that lasts from 9:30PM until 2:00 AM. The game should have the tags of 'Violent' and 'Not kid friendly', because there was so much intensity that bashing one another with names was a must. There was great guacamole, too. Did I mention how much I love guacamole? Well, I love it.


Speaking of delicious things, I've gotten highly addicted to Sushi lately. I went last Tuesday, Saturday, and then yesterday.



Say 'Mmm', please. The thing that looks like squeezed chicken is actually Eel, and I highly recommend it. That is, if you're not allergic to things that lurk in the ocean... because then I'd feel really bad... because that would be my fault for kind of recommending it to you when you could possibly die. I want you to live, okay? Did I mention that I love guacamole?

And this amazing book is something you may find on an adventure to the clearance section of Books-A-Million. I mean, if you're in to knowing the birds of world. I love creepiness. Did I mention I love guacamole?

Is anyone watching American Idol tonight!? You should really know I'm rooting for Kris and his lovely cords. I think I'd rather have a Dingo win than see Adam Lambert and his eye liner take it home. Every time he does that tongue action on the mic, I get a bit more freaked out than before. Did I mention I love guacamole?

Now I must hop back to work. I've decided to start hopping everywhere I go. Did you just believe that? You did. You think I hop. Well, take this

Hip hop hippopotamus. Bam.

Ruthless.

While most will hit the infamous Rebound Button after a failed relationship, I am a person who opts for the Delete Button. This one seems to stick out more and rebounding seems pointless. Why break someone elses heart for being selfish? The Delete Button has so many more opportunities. It even comes with music!

When I heard "I'm Gonna Find Another You" by John Mayer, I actually started laughing. One of those laughs you get annoyed with in a restaurant, because it comes from the overweight lady that is sitting two tables over, whose conversation is already too loud. Except I'm not overweight. I typically don't do the listentosulkymusicandbedepressed thing. If I can avoid sadness, I will throw punches. But this songs seems to help with the punches and it makes me feel fanfreakingtastic.

"It's really over, you made your stand. You got me crying, as was your plan. But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you. You take your sweaters, you take your time. You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme. I'm gonna sing my way away from blue. I'm gonna find another you. When I was your lover, no one else would do. If I'm forced to find another, I hope he looks like you . Yeah and he's nicer, too."

My Delete Button is tasteful and, what I believe, isn't too harsh. Sure, you wanted to keep in contact with me, but whoever said that I would want to keep in contact with you? What the hell is contact anyway? Calls? Count me out. Text message? Count me out. Plus, you never could do that in the relationship anyway. I'd rather not bother with it at all. The impact that you've had on my life is minimal. You've only taken away the fact that I will never again receive a promise ring with an open finger or mindset. Other than that, you already live states away, your phone calls were scarce and answered text messages were always surprises.

My conclusion, like many others, is that I deserve better, and I do. I deserve someone who can remember the fact that my favorite color is orange and when I get nervous, I bite the sides of my nails. Maybe I'll even get lucky enough to come across someone who will call me at a reasonable time of the night - responsibility means working 9AM-4PM, not talking on the phone at odd times of the night because we're always on your time.

It seems bitter, but, babe, it's not out of strife. You just did not belong in my life and because I opened that door, I paid hundreds in plane tickets. Crap.

Lesson learned! Delete.

My movie weekend.

I want to talk about my weekend and how adventurous it was. Also, because I know you're really dying to hear about it, so why not?
Friday I just so happened to have morphed into a Trekkie for the night...

Trekkie

... and I went to see Star Trek with a group of friends. Only Matt and I found it remotely humorous, while Chelsea cried within the first 10 minutes of the movie. The only amusing part was the fact that someone in the group decided to crawl on the theater floor in an attempt to scare me. It was successful. Oh, and the guy playing Kirk was so much of a hunk that I had a dream that night of marrying him.

I went to my niece's first birthday on Saturday, where it was, apparently, BYOB for the older folks. I was a little taken back, so I opted not to stay too long. My night was then burrito filled! Chelsea and I went to Tijuana Flats and filled our bellies with beans and chicken, and filled our minds with crazy talk. Then others called to come over and watch movies, but first I had to poop. Don't judge my fast metabolism! So, I rushed home, pooped, changed, and moseyed on over. We watched Changling all the way through, only to come to the conclusion that we just wasted almost three hours of our lives watching a stickly Angelina Jolie repeat the lines "That's not my son!". Then Holly suggested we pop in Tropic Thunder to rid the awful hours we just endured. I must admit, Robert Downey, Jr. is such a great actor; however, I did not have dreams of marrying him.

Sunday was mom's day and she hated her presents, so we'll call it unsuccessful. But later that night I got a call from Chelsea telling me to come over and eat pizza. I could not resist that, but I did look in the mirror, saw my hair still in a towel and my toenails unpainted, and still, pizza outweighed this. I then sat there until 1 AM watching Matt, John, Holly and Chelsea put together furniture... as I sat on Facebook and Blogger. I felt pretty bad about this, but I did not know where to begin. I helped clean up a pizza box, though. Then we decided to watch 300, and I lasted 30 minutes and realized that I had to be at work at 9AM. It was not a good combo. I had eye twitches all the next day.

One more thing. I just got to work and I went to the bathroom, only to find my black shirt covered in deodorant spots. No one cared to tell me this. Not the lady I see every day at 7-11, not an old gym member I ran in to or my co-workers. I'm a little offended or embarassed... or a little of both.

Do you care about any of this? Not at all, but that's okay! Let's do the robot together.

Oh, momma bean.

Happy Mommy's Day!

Isn't she pretty?

Warning's are crucial.

Unfortunately, we were not warned ahead of time about our waitress, Fran. Fran had the smile of a lunch lady waiting to kill. She was snippy, acted like we rushed her and wanted nothing more than to pour drinks down Leah's shirt.

Even the cook could not do his job. Our dinners were tasteless and horrible. You may ask where I'm referring to and I'm scared to even say it. It's a major disappointment in my book. Shame, shame, Red Lobster. You only filled my belly with delicious bread and yummy water. And water cannot even be yummy!

The only person who did their job correctly was Bobby, the master behind the picture taking, but that is only because we knew him. Although, every time he walked by our table, you could feel a hint of awkward-ness. Happily, we did make it out alive and food poisoning free. Ashley and I then continued our rendezvous to play glow in the dark putt-putt. Trust me, it's not what it's all cracked up to be. Try avoiding nightmares after staring into a giant clowns face for hole number 18. It was more terrifying than exciting. But, it was two dollars cheaper than the other place we had in mind.

I don't know how to end this cleverly. Um, can I get a liter of cola?

Nubs, Creeps, and Bongos.

My right index finger is killing me. I have a horrible habit of detailing a nail, making the conclusion that it is too long and then chomping it off, instead of just cutting it with nail clippers like a normal person would do. I blame the rapid growth defect that my nails have, and my impatience. So, I chomped and what I am left with feels like a nub, and not to mention the fact that it bled! I'm so upset with myself. You may ask what this has anything to do with anything, and it has nothing to do with anything.

Rollin' on. I'd really like to point out the fact that old men are really perverted. As I was dilly dallying around a store yesterday, one of these creepsters followed me around. I ended up saying "WHAT!?!?!" He creeped me out so much that I almost got hit by a car walking out of the store. See, the problem is, is that these old men are oblivious to the fact that there are such things as mase and tasers these days; most importantly, women are not afraid to use them. In fact, it's probably going to be a rush for most women to put it to use - comparable to runners high - but I would just prefer to judo chop.

While I'm on this roll, I'd like to announce that I'm nervous. I'm nervous because I'm starting to look at what university I want to transfer to. I feel like I've been at PHCC for eleventy years now and I'm telling myself to wrap it up already. Since I'm aiming for journalism, I looked at LSU, UF and even USF (my very last option). I looked at Columbia, then my brain had a spasm and a jolt of reality shot through me, so I clicked out of that page. Then I get scared at the fact that I'm possibly no where near the boundary line of being one of those 'great writers' and I want to wet my panties. Okay, maybe not that far, but I want to do something extreme because it absolutely scares me. I guess that's why I have a nub for an index finger at the moment.

In the meantime, I'm at a loss since my school isn't offering night classes over the summer. Now I'll feel like a fish without water or a horse without dingle berries. That's right.

One more thing, Starbucks on Tuesday nights has officially been ruined for me. Apparently, all wiccan's in the city meet that day, equipped with bongo's, and they all look strangely familiar. I was brought back to the characters from "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and no, not Jessica Biel and gang... I'm referring to the family in that white house.

A pooped thought.

Hello, my pretties. Yes, I wanted that to come off as creepy as possible, and yes, the title for this blog is just gross. In all reality, I did not poop (yet)... but I did have a thought! (Very quickly. I am reminded of the movie 'The Goonies', where Chunk's lies are being revealed, one being Michael Jackson never came over, and he says "okay... but his sister did!!". I'm glad this was useless information) Moving on...

I'm not very sure if this blog will be read beyond my use of the words 'God' and 'Christ', but at this point, I don't care. I really had this laid on my heart and I felt compelled to share or maybe I'm just compelling. You decide.

So, I was reading Ecclesiastes tonight and I found that the term "all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind" was used nine times throughout the book, and I felt overwhelmed. Sure, I'll tell you why! Last Thursday, a really great guy came to speak in front of us. He's actually the guy who started the first hip-hop church of its kind in America - right here in Tampa. It's called Crossover Church and he spoke on the book of Ecclesiastes. It's about a the richest man who had ever lived. Not even Bill Gates could compare to this guy. His name was King Solomon and he reigned over all of Israel. He was a great man of God, because he chose to seek Him before everything. When Solomon asked for wisdom and power from God he would receive it. It wasn't until his riches had built up, his wives added up to 700, the people of Israel bowed to him and worshipped him as some god, that he lost sight of what God had given him. It's in Ecclesiastes where his thoughts are revealed and they're poured out into, what seems like, a hurricane of emotions. I've never read something like this... it truly opened my eyes:

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again. All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow."
vs. 1:1-11

This is coming from a man who had everything that you could possibly imagine. People would do anything to even sit in his presence. He was bigger than your most admired celebrity, and yet, he was so, so unhappy. He was still so lost.

"I thought to myself, 'Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.' Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief." vs. 1:16-18

"I saw that wisdom is better than folly, just as light is better than darkness. The wise man has eyes in his head, while the fool walks in the darkness; but I came to realize that the same fate overtakes them both. Then I thought in my heart, 'The fate of the fool will overtake me also. What then do I gain by being wise?' I said in my heart, 'This too is meaningless.' For the wise man, like the fool, will not be long remembered; in days to come both will be forgotten. Like the fool, the wise man too must die!" vs. 2:13-16

He started realizing that his knowledge and wisdom of everything that he thought he knew was just meaningless. It meant nothing... without God.

"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account." vs 3: 9-15

"When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth—his eyes not seeing sleep day or night- then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it." vs. 8:16-17

I believe it was when I read those verses, that my little mind was no longer boggled. It wasn't that I did not have faith, that I lost my sight in Christ - it was the fact that, sometimes, I feel like I dig so much for some kind of answer, that I forget there is nothing I can comprehend. I cannot comprehend even how much Christ loves me. I just accept it. I have to accept even those moments that I do not what is going on - I have to trust. It took King Solomon years upon years, riches upon riches, and sins upon sins to finally realize that nothing can compare to God's grace and His plan. His plan is to give us these things Himself, but only by seeking Him first. Solomon stated -

"Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart." vs. 5:19-20

King Solomon ended in saying this...

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." vs. 12:13-14

Whether you're a believer or an unbeliever, this entire story was amazing. I've never read anything like it. Sometimes you just forget. Sometimes you get caught up in the mess of society and all it wants you to be. Sure, I would love to be wealthy, but I would want my focus to still be on God. Because that's the whole meaning behind being blessed. It's come from one person, from one source, and there is no one else to thank in the end.

I'm sure this caused some eye rolling, and that's fine. I'm not trying to push God onto you, that's your choice, and in the end, God's word to change your heart.

Anyway, I should probably get to bed. I have to be up for work, and I have yet to invest in that Billy Mays alarm clock idea, so I will be sure to sleep too late.

Much bettttttah.

Okay! I have arisen out of the trench of utter sadness and despair. Well, maybe I wasn't THAT low, but I am in a much better mood.

The only thing that has really upset me lately is, while on my quest of searching the arrest inquiries, I came across one of my friends again. I have English with this kid on Wednesday nights and I was like 'seriously?' We had just been discussing how he wants a girl in his life, and I was like maybe you should clean up your act...

Guess he hasn't.

On another note, I've been really trying to keep myself busy and highly motivated to pick myself up. Church was awesome, then dinner with everyone afterwards was entertaining due to the fact that guys do not think girls poop. Let me make this clear. We poop. My friend Matt has (maybe HAD after the conversation) this outlook that girls should just never talk about poop. April and I assured him that he would one day find a girl who would be comfortable to let him know of her bodily functions. We know this because April and I both discuss these things with our boyfriends, and before us, our boyfriends used to be totally against it. We will let them know when it's time to drop the some kids off at the pool. That, my friends, is the real sign of fate. Maybe.

Oh and since you've asked how the 40's/50's girls night went, I'll share pictures:

I felt the most un-50ish in my white cloth like dress and little scarf.

Well, now I must go and bond with myself (and Ashley... and Chelsea and a few others) tonight and keep my head up. If he cares. He'll call. Right?