"I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots."

Distractions can be so incredibly deadly. Whether it is Facebook, a relationship or my personal time, my distractions have become so burdensome that I recently pulled the cords. Facebook had to go. My relationship had to be put on hold. My personal time needed to be reevaluated and managed correctly. My relationship with God was teetering and I felt the weight of a thunderstorm looming. In moving to a new city, I fear that I have taken on new challenges. At every end, my mind is in constant battle with these new, yet-to-be-surveyed surroundings. I can feel the cracks of so many foundations right now that my relationship with even myself is at risk. I am beginning to wonder what road I chose to take or even when the decision to take a different road was given to me.

When I am saying that these cracks are forming, it's nothing massive. I'm not partying and drinking or even remotely touching that side of the 'cracked foundation' spectrum. Instead, I am beginning to discover that my previously fought battles are starting up again. The soldiers were never dead; the darkness only went away for a mere vacation. I suppose I began to think that because a battle was won, the war was over, but that is never the case. It is a lie, to be honest.

It seems that the only easy thing to repeat right now is: "I know that I am here for a reason" - but to feel the weight of this reason is becoming greatly exasperating. The Director of this film called "My Life" has already told me to expect this season to be a "season of change", but to charge head on is like walking on raging waters. I sometimes still feel on top, but then sometimes I feel like I'm sinking (I don't think one could understand how hard it was to write that sentence - it was like chopping the head of Pride off).

My season of change has resurrected old battles, and I know it is done in order to make me a stronger fighter and more aware of what my weaknesses really are. In this awareness, I have, have, have to understand that while I am saying one thing, my heart and mind can still be elsewhere; thus proving my weakness and my speechless longing to have Him understand my weaknesses and compensate with His strength. He is the stand to my frame, after all.

In realizing that I cannot fight these battles alone is making itself clear. Somedays I feel filled and ready to take on the soldiers. Then the battle begins, they fire and I am down and drained. Fighting out of pride in thinking "I've done this one before" is keeping me in a stale, unmoved place. To take it as a lesson learned and to have God take the lead in these battles needs to register in my heart, my soul and my mind. Here we go.

We Remain

the daydreaming mind

what a dangerous thing

bringing us to tangents and forks

in the already twisted roads

forced to a decision:

good or bad

chosen is the one

that points to fulfillment

all the while

its curves get sharp and wide

"dreadful, dreadful" we say

"how did i mistake this?" we ask

lonely and unaccompanied we began

and as lonely and unaccompanied

we begin to leave

the road seems longer than taken

but the distance feels lighter

we know only that the trek must be made

soles rubbed thin

souls feeling the last drip of water

we arrive

moonlit shadows fading

contradicting air we begin to breath

the new soul begins to gasp

spared we feel

lonely and unaccompanied we began

wholly filled and guided we remain