Empty brain chatter and baby leaves.

I haven't really anything new to write about lately. I suppose I should do something mall rat-like, that way my mind is opened up to awkward situations, weird occurrences, and unusual events. If I were to even slightly open to the door to my thoughts, you would read nothing but my distaste for federal government, my new found respect for poetry and my remaining dislike for math. For now, you can take part in looking at the process of the growing leaves, and how much I love the signs of Spring:

Jesus + Best friends =

These past two weekends have officially been dubbed two of the best in my span of twenty years thus far. After Worship in the "Woods", twenty-something year olds making blanket forts, a picnic at the park, tree hugging, the AWAKEN Conference, and large, red chairs with my favorite ladies, I would say that my smile continues to grow. Let's see what memories have been captured...

Worship in the "Woods":

AWAKEN 2010:

Can you see why my smile would be permanent?

Also, here is an e-thank you to my new followers:

Christene and Kendra!

You ladies are wonderful!

Solidity Rhymes With...

As written in my last post, I am in the process of plucking the thorns from body as I recover from an ever-wonderful breakup. While plucking, I have realized the value of being single and I am absorbing the solidity that it brings. I am not by any means saying that it is not hard, because it certainly is, but I have a will that has grown within me to keep me going.

I am thinking one would ask "Why would it be hard to be single?" and I would regard this as a very legitimate question. While this is embarrassing and pathetic to admit, my answer to the question is: I do not know the last time I was without a boyfriend. There. I said it. It is strange to comprehend, sad to admit, yet, funny to realize.

It is strange that I have never really understood how dependent I was on another human being for my pull to happiness. I suppose the sadness derives from my lack of dependence on God, and all of the time I have wasted in between. Then there is the funny realization. I can find humor in it now, because God still was unrelenting in every relationship. I would ask God if this is not to be, then tear it down - and He would. Nonetheless, without thought, I would continue with my way. It was as if God was acting as the bulldozer to my "relationship life" and after the mess was cleaned up, I would carry on without sending Him a thank you card. How rude of me.

Now, here I am. God has decided to do a bit of bulldozing again, and this time, I will wait. I will be patient. I will listen. I will be more willing and open to who, and more importantly, what He wants for my life. With all of this said, I will blatantly admit that I have tried to go my own way regarding my emotions, but even that did not work out. I literally had to give everything to God, and I mean everything. Once I did just that, I knew there could not possibly be a greater feeling of freedom.

I'll end by saying solidity rhymes with validity. Solidity is what I rest in and God's validity in helping me rely solely on Him is what keeps me going. I cannot wait until I can say the statement, "I do not know the last time I have had a boyfriend." and mean this.


One more thing. I would love to thank my two new followers: Julia and Crescendo! You two are lovely. Thank you!

An Unquestionable Importance

First and foremost, I would love to thank my new followers: Yesenia, Where the Hart is, Ragamuffin, Jillian McGrath, Kristi Marie, and Amy! I thank you ladies and your interest in my blog. It is always encouraging in the blogosphere world. Speaking of encouragement and women, I have been recognizing the importance of friendship and how it has been vital in my life recently.

As a 20 year old, I have experienced much heartbreak, and just recently I was thrown into the the thorn bushes of all heartbreak. While the thorns hurt, I am more than blessed and more than grateful to have the most amazing friends to help the process of plucking these little boogers out. My friends are so gentle, so kind, so helpful and most of all, so loving. I just wanted to take this time to write an entry on how amazing they really are.

Chelsea, Holly, April, Jessica, Aretha, Andrea

I love you ladies so much. I just don't know what I would do without you. I cherish you six ladies, and want to thank you for the encouragement through this gradual process of maturing myself in life and in my relationship with God. I love that you challenge me and keep helping me in my steps toward a better future. Thank you for never giving up on me. I am so happy God has placed you ladies in my life. Again, thank you.

With that, maybe we should all take the time to recognize the significance of our girl friends and to thank them. If you're one who happens to be uneasy with the idea of having girls as friends in life (I used to be the same exact way), I will be more than happy to be your first female friend. I promise to be there for you and to help you over and through whatever speed bump you encounter. I believe it is an unquestionable importance that we all have our friends to lean on when we figuratively fall into thorn bushes. After all, all we want is, as The Early November would say: "Love, love and happy afternoons" and through friendships we can find this.

Intended Beauty

I feel that there is a pandemic looming over the society of women. Specifically, this pandemic looms over the heart every woman, and there are times that it can feel incurable. Women of every generation and women of every kind know the ache of heartbreak, know the feeling of insecurity and wish for more out of this life. No matter the age, there is a scary struggle with beauty these days, and it seems to hover over our every day lives.

I will be the first to admit that my insecurities used to eat at me. The insecurities stemmed from heartbreaks regarding the history of my life when my father left and, of course, my futile attempts of playing the dating game. The story of my fathers up-and-leaving made its impact by leaving a crater on my heart, and the boyfriends that I allowed into my life only seemed to deepen the wound. I never learned my lesson about true beauty, which in return led to my destructive behavior and dark path. Inevitably, this dark path led me to a hole where my only option was up. On my way up, my insecurities came to light; regrettably, I never dealt with these newly lit insecurities. Instead, I ended up hopping into a relationship without healing myself through God first. In the imminent demise of the relationship, I started to recognize that I had a bigger struggle with beauty than I thought. I also started to see that my beauty was always compared to what the world had expected.

As women, we can see the expectation of beauty in every magazine, in every commercial and on every billboard. We have pop-ups to remind us of our extra flab and yellow teeth, but nothing to express the beauty of who we really are. It seems that the world can use whatever we may be insecure about and manipulate it to make us believe we are this and we are that. In getting caught up in these expectations of the world, we forget why we were created. It is only a guess, but I would think God looks down on this Earth and sees more ugly than He does beauty. I'm sure He sees that we are colored in our insecurities and all He wants to do is take our hand and lead us away from them. Why?

Because we were created out of beauty from the beginning. We were and are created to be beautiful to our God - not this world. In Psalms 45: 10-11 we can read the beauty that God wants.

"Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord."

While in Isaiah 3:18-24, God is angered at how worldly things have become. He sees the women with...

"...their finery: the bangles and headbands and crescent necklaces, the earrings and bracelets and veils, the headdresses and ankle chains and sashes, the perfume bottles and charms, the signet rings and nose rings, the fine robes and the capes and cloaks, the purses and mirrors, and the linen garments and tiaras and shawls."

And He talks of taking these things away, because, again, His intentions are being manipulated:

"Instead of fragrance there will be a stench; instead of a sash, a rope; instead of well-dressed hair, baldness; instead of fine clothing, sackcloth; instead of beauty, branding."

Yet, even though this is stated and even though we are told we are beautiful, why do we struggle to believe this? The reality lies in the fact that we are so wrapped up in what the world desires us to be; consequently, this will always lead us into misery. There is no man on this Earth that is perfect, but we have expectations of this. There is no beauty product to help the inside of us that is still dying, but we think that the new and improved facial cream will cure the lines that reveal our aging. Misery waits at every corner when we have these skewed outlooks. When will we awake to the truth that God is the only person we should look to in order to see what beauty truly is.

We are beautiful. No matter what the world says, no matter what a boyfriend says, no matter the situation in which we may have experienced as a young girl – we are beautiful. God says this and we should never doubt it. Once there is faith put into this statement, there is true freedom. God has been working through me by healing the crater on my heart. He’s slowly helping me realize that my insecurities are minute compared to His love for me. This feeling alone is indescribable.

Another thing I did want to mention in this was the organization For The Girls International and the AWAKEN Conference. This event is held on February 12th & 13th and the mission is to awaken the freedom that lies within women through God. I think every woman should attend this experience to truly grasp all that God wants from us as woman in this ugly world. Registration is online and available through January 30th.

Oh, and one more thing…

You’re beautiful.

Jay and Jeremy

"After the shaking had stopped, there were nothing but screams of the name 'Jesus'... and they weren't just screams, but peoples bodies were flailing and falling to the ground." - Jay

"It was just like the Bible says, 'Every knee shall bow, and every tongue shall confess that I am God'." - Jeremy

As an audience member to both Jay and Jeremy last night, I heard their shared story of the earthquake in Haiti. Jay and Jeremy were in the midst of the horrific disaster that took place on Tuesday, January 12th, and their lives have not seemed to fall back into its former place just yet. While their faith into the future is being stretched, God continues to give them strength to make it through the days. The future that lies ahead holds many questions in regards to the orphanage that they have in Haiti. There are twelve kids total, and they are all under the age of 10. For the past four months, they have shown and have seen the love of God portrayed through these children. These kids that were once written off as just another Haitian child without a future, have now dramatically been transformed through the help of Jay and Jeremy, and ultimately God.

As one can imagine it has been incredibly difficult for both of these young men to leave the village and orphanage and to come back America. They are now trying to raise enough money in order to fly a helicopter over the village and drop off the basic needs - food and water. Both of them know it is completely and entirely up to God to solve all of this chaos, yet they also know, in Jay's words, "It's going to get worse before it gets better".

What I cannot yet shake from hearing their stories are both of their faces - they were still wearing so much of what they had experienced. Jeremy had admitted that he still had not cried, but he knows he will eventually, and Jay said that once it all sets in, he knows it's going to be hard to talk about. The hurt, the pain, and the darkness all around Haiti seems to have shaken the core of them. However, to hear their stories and to see their calling as a follower of Christ still pushing against this raging current is very heartbreaking, but encouraging. God had somehow "ordained a couple of doctors to be in the village" on the Sunday before and through the week. God had also restored Jay with fervor to continue when he confessed he could no longer handle the chaos. God had also managed to get Jay and Jeremy out of Haiti through the American Embassy - before hundreds of other Americans.

They both know God knows the hurt, God knows the pain, and God will solve this. God was with them through their heartbreak of seeing people flock into their village with broken limbs and seeing faces of a broken future. The distressing part is that I can only imagine what these two went through. I keep praying for strength for the two of them as they continue riding on faith and having the Holy Spirit guide them. I also ask that you pray for them and the people of Haiti. Below is a link to donate to the organization they belong to. Their village is practically on the bottom of the "To-Do" list in Haiti, and the children and the peoples of this village will soon face a struggle. Whether or not you do donate, I just ask that you pray for this country.

http://www.lespwaworldwide.com/lespwaworldwide/earthquake.aspx

The Cullin's, Mr. Darcy's and McDreamy's.

After reading a blog entry written by Cole NeSmith, I actually took to heart his point. Basically, I caught what he was throwing. I'd suggest reading the entry before reading mine, otherwise you may lose interest quickly or just wonder where my train of thought began.

As you read, Cole's initial thought on the idea of what television and movies are doing to our mindsets and moral values are nothing short of destructive. Granted, I am a Glee fan and after watching certain episodes, I can safely say that I did turn off the television and wonder why it was deemed so oddly traditional that a man should cheat on his deceiving wife. Not only was this guy cheating on his wife, but the audience should have no further disagreement about it. I will be blatantly honest and say that when whats-his-face kissed sweet whats-her-name, I was happy. There, I said it. It's wasn't until I took an entire bite out of what just really happened that I realized it was completely un-biblical and unjustifiable. My bite was not so tasty after all.

Then there is the subject of how we women are so susceptible towards the romance that a male character portrays in a movie. Let's be honest, we women are completely gripped by the our perception of Edward (Twilight), Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice), McDreamy (Greys Anatomy) - or whomever it is that tickles your fancy - so much so that we swoon. We women seem to have been so "wooed" that are mental state of actually finding a mate becomes this comparison of - "Well, he's no Edward, but he sure is cute." Personally, Edward isn't my forte, but Mr. Darcy is. I even recently updated my status on Facebook to, "Mr. Darcy.... if only you weren't a fictionalized character". Unsurprisingly, a few of my girl friends responded with their 'oo's and awes'. Mr. Darcy's character has obviously had his affect on other girls, too.

There is a chance that this all really has to do with the issue that I'm single and I have time to waste on these fictional characters. However, the fact of the matter is that if I keep delving into these highly unrealistic expectations of what a guy should be like and nothing less, I don't believe I'll ever have my high expectations remotely touched. The strangest thought of it all, is that we have almost been programmed to believe this from every princess movie that we have been placed in front of in our childhood. Now, I do not want to come across as this cynical woman who has yet to find tangible love - besides God - and that this tangible love just does not exist... because it does. You can certainly find it in relationships that have their foundation on God and His Word. I want this reiteration of Cole's words, from a female perspective, to simply say that if we keep putting our trust into these lead roles that actors are paid to portray, we're missing the bigger picture.

The following quote is overly used, but seems to fall on deaf ears far too often:

"A girl's heart should be so lost in God, that a man must seek Him in order to find her."

Why is there so much truth in this statement, yet it's ignored in our daily lives as single women?

Even if the sing-alongs and the fairytales seem much more alluring, this option seems more logical and can save us from the countless heartbreaks we tend to endure along the way. Let's stop being so easily persuaded by television shows that warp morals, and hunky men with great acting skills. As long as we're on the right path, God has everything aligned in our life. Our beauty lies in God. No fictional character can fulfill that role. Therefore, there really is no need for the Edward Cullin's, Mr. Darcy's and the McDreamy's to clog our pretty little minds.