My New Leaf

My writing has been hibernating for some while, so much so that I was "forced" to go back to older writings and reminisce with such. The nostalgia was fantastic, but finally, I have some news. I would not tally this under the "Great news!" section, but rather the "Lesson learned" section; knowledge for the future, if you will.

It happened last week and it started with a guy. Ew. Gross, see I do not even like starting it out that way. I feel incredibly lame and incredibly desperate and my cool points have been deducted. Wait, I had cool points stored... right? Well, if I haven't lost you yet, it did start with a guy, his nice jawline and nice eyes. I feel like that is how it always starts, am I wrong? However, I cannot even say that this was an actually starting point with this guy, since we have known one another since we were 16 and attempted that whole "dating" thing before (should have gotten the hint the first time around). We decided to meet up for sushi, talk over the years that have passed and what has been going on, and two hours later we were saying goodbye.

Now, let me say this: This guy is not even in love with Jesus, so my first mistake was even saying yes to dinner. Secondly, I did not tell me friends about this, because I knew it would be uncomfortable. Why did I not even listen to that red flag?

A. Yes, stupid mistake.
B. My emotions were in full charge at the moment - not my mind.

Anyway, I invited him to church (thinking I could introduce him to Jesus [Jesus, Guy. Guy, Jesus]), but I also knew that that whole situation was like playing with matches. Been there, done that, did not work out. Why was I attempting to do this again? Refer to option A and B, please. I went home and attempted not to think about it whatsoever, but instead prayed for him and his heart. Which is totally O.K. to do... if my intentions were lined up correctly.

The night lined up as usual, changed into my P.J.'s, said my prayers, and fell asleep. Too bad that whole "falling asleep" action never kicked into full gear. Instead, I felt like I was stuck in stage 2 of my REM cycle, and even worse I felt like there was a battle raging inside of me. I had good versus evil rolling around in my mind like Sumo wrestlers. I kept thinking about why this is happening, but my Spirit knew exactly why.

I was not supposed to be involved with this guy at all.

Even if it were a measly dinner between two people, I knew that this was nothing but my foot stepping into quicksand. I ignored it though. I continued to talk to him and encouraged him to come to church and at least try it out. Finally, one night - after he literally cried to me about so much of his life,and I calmly explained that things don't have to be this way, but I was not going to hold his hand the whole way - he promised to come to church. I am not talking about just a promise, but a pinky-promise was involved. Fantastic... or so I thought. I thought since he opened up to me so much and made himself vulnerable, this was his chance to meet Jesus. Incorrect. He decided last minute not to come to church and I felt something strange happen inside of me. My heart made a squeeze. I know that was the moment that I realized that I actually had a drop of feeling for this guy. I quickly realized I was two feet into this quicksand and I had to ask God to help me out before this got to a sinking point. God had rescued me and all it took was for me to finally listen. I am so thankful it only took a couple of days for all of this to pan out, and not months.

I had an epiphany at church, too, when I was confessing everything to my best friend, Holly. I realized that my restless nights were due to God trying to wake me up before I fell asleep into this shake of my foundation. It was so beautiful to realize that God actually cares about me. So, so, so beautiful. I am now even more comfortable allowing God to just guide me along the way when it comes to relationships. I am done talking with the pretty guy with no Jesus love in his heart. He will find God on his own time, but again, I cannot be the one holding his hand through it. I will encourage him, but via text only.

It all kind of reminded me of Fitzgerald's "A New Leaf". I completely was the female lead role, unfortunately for her, she was too late in realizing her mistake.

Also, you should take a peek at my small groups website where we review what we discussed. Get involved!: http://satellitesphere.wordpress.com/