A Breaking Light

I cannot understand this. I do not know how to correctly dissect what I have been coming across recently. I know what is about to be said may sound strange, but I guess it is worth a shot. Again, this is only just recently, but every song that catches my attention, and makes the machine in my mind click into analyzation mode, all sing about one thing: light.

Wait. Before I lose you.

Whether the songs are Christian or secular, they all contain a line talking about light breaking forth to cure some kind of darkness. I think the epiphany hit me as I was drying my hair in a towel, and Pandora was playing in the background. All three of these songs popped on in a row:

"Neon" by John Mayer (the live version, which is 19x better).
"Fix You" by Coldplay - "Lights will guide you home/ and ignite your bones/ and I will try to fix you."
"Collide" by Howie Day (which I almost skipped) - "The dawn is breaking/ a light shining through."

So, technically, "Neon" may not really qualify for the one liner, but neon does help in LIGHTing signs. But for the sake of argument, I have had a song on repeat in my car for the past week. It is a song by Phil Wickham called "Mystery". I literally feel myself become engulfed and soaked into the lyrics, that I almost break into tears when these words flood:

"Break down the door, come inside/
Shine down Your bright light/
I need a lamp for my feet, I need a lamp for my feet/
I want to hear the thunder of who You are/
To be captured inside the wonder of who You are/
I want to live I want to breathe/
To search out Your heart and all of Your mysteries."

I cannot begin to put into words what I feel when I am screaming out these words in my car. I keep wondering if something is broken inside of me, and I am just subconsciously ignoring it. Is God speaking through all of these songs to me? When my thoughts become overwhelming and the truth is shut out, is this God reminding me to pay attention? Helping me to keep forward and do not give into whatever crack is trying to become bigger? Maybe it is dealing with the fact that I have been praying for light to break forth in lives around me? Maybe God is answering in this odd way?

I have been praying a lot about light in lives; some awakening. In many different situations, whether it is regarding kids or friends or my family. I have just been praying for God's light to shine into some figurative, dark tunnel that feels utterly trapping. God knows what He's up to. I want to continue to listen, to seek and to pray. He is healing something and someone. I just know it. This felt so, so, so good to get out. I guess that is a first step of healing.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:9

Growing a Green Thumb

So here is the deal: I want to become someone who has a "green thumb".

Definition: Someone who is a good gardener, or good at caring for plants is said to have a green thumb.

I know. I know. I am not one for jumping the bandwagon for the going green movement nor am I the one who would rather ride a bicycle to work, rain or shine, every day. Although, these things do sound enticing - my calves would be nicely shaped - it is not logical in my mind. Rather, I have chosen to stick to something that is deemed more realistic and applicable in my life. Thus my green thumb is born. Plus, it would be fantastic to have a new hobby in my life.

I will keep anyone who is remotely interested up-to-date on how I am either keeping these baby leaves thriving and/or killing them. Tickle, the initial mini-plant that churned this idea, recently decided to be in plant heaven (sorry, bubbie... I knew I should not have left you alone for those three days), so I am slightly intimidated. So, starting tomorrow I will be setting a budget and heading to Lowe's for their plant life selection and to Target for their one dollar gardening tools.

Life through iPhone pictures

Below is a mix of life between the Two dollar Taco Tuesday's, Easter egg making/ people hunt, Reformation nights, trips to Orlando, early morning prayer and a visit to Petsmart. I thoroughly enjoy my friends.

Distinguishing at the Stop Sign

Lately I have been trying to find the line between submission, in a genuine, Christ-like manner and becoming a doormat. I feel that by distinguishing this line, I will have a better understanding as to how to approach certain situations. While these situations will remain anonymous and I cannot go into full detail of how I came upon this stop sign in life, I can say that it has been a long stop.

I have been sitting at this stop sign and putting one foot forth, then taking it back, thinking about it, and doing the process over again. Now I feel that I have run low on fuel and here I am trying to find this line. Again, last night I found myself driving and having this conversation in my head; I was debating with myself how Jesus dealt with his everyday life - the mocking, the slandering and countless other negative things - and how he submitted with such humility. I was so lost in this thought, that I became acutely aware of how selfish I was. I think it was the moment that I was grumbling and asking myself "Well, I wonder how much Jesus submitted?" The answer came like a swift kick to the shin:

He actually submitted His entire life.

I laughed out loud to myself. Oh, right... yeah, His life... for me... freedom... yeah. While it was humorous, it felt like I ran into a brick wall when my epiphany came. Now as I am reassembling myself from the hit, I am fearful of messing up or becoming a ball of stone as I am trying to find this line, trying to distinguish where I am supposed to stand as a Christian and my submission to authority. I will admit that it is painfully hard at the end of the day to see how much I take when trying to be the genuine Christian I am supposed to be, but I also know Christ suffered far more than I ever have or ever will.

"Submit yourselves to your authority with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:18-21

Honestly, after reading that, I feel that I have no excuse. Even feeling remotely sorry for myself and asking for sympathy is pathetic. Perhaps what it crumbles down to is that I may feel this hardship and the oppression at every side, but at the end of the day... God is for me, and if He is for me, who can be against me. That is not a question; it is a statement. I just need to keep this as a daily reminder. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This line seems clearer from here, but I must keep trekking forward in order to find that, maybe, there really is no line. The only line I can recall now is one that Jesus drew in the sand, asking "he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone..." and as the stones were dropped, the woman was won to Christ. So these stones that are thrown from this world may be painful and may cause me to run three miles without a care, but I know I am taking these hits for a reason. A wiser and more knowledgeable reason far out of my reach, but one day it will make sense.

Jazzin' and Stoppin' My Shoppin'.

I recently finished a book by the name of Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and I am happy to announce that I have a new favorite author (memoirist?). I question memoirist because, while it is a book, it is also written around the incredibly hilarious moments that Miller encounters throughout his life. His life in moments of God encounters, human interactions, hippie living and all-around character building. This is in no way a book review, but rather a synopsis. This also serves nothing more than to highly recommend this book to those who want a good laugh, a jiggle in their belly and a deeper understanding to their relationship with God or lack thereof.

I can personally attest to the "deeper understanding" when I read a specific chapter on money. Miller explained how he was terrible with money at one point-in-time (possibly still struggles, as we all do) and was craving the push of his "pleasure button" by buying a remote controlled car. Well, he had a great friend named Penny and she did one of those Christian-like things by telling Miller that there was a starving child in such-and-such place and by buying this remote controlled car, he was hindering that child’s hope. Excuse my paraphrasing; I will get to my point soon. Then Miller began to explain Penny's character and how she was quite the selfless one. So much so, that she even stopped shopping for clothes for an entire year - all to make sure that her money was going to those who were starving in such-and-such place.

As I closed off that chapter, I was lost in the thought of Penny and her selfless act. I know it is not a notable selfless act, nothing comparable to running inside of a burning building to save a puppy. However, say that to the person (me) that finds something cheap, justifies the need for it in their (my) life, and makes the purchase almost every time. In getting to my point in a timely manner, I have decided to put a stop on my shopping for an entire year. I am mentally preparing myself for this action because I need to know that I am doing this for the right reason(s). Monthly, I am supporting a child in Northern Uganda for their education; I have bills; tithing to church - which is not my money to begin with - and the small necessities. Thus, my shopping habit can be snipped for a year, because "my" money is supposed to go elsewhere, anyway.


I just want to make myself aware that this habit is cut, ultimately, for God. I do not want it cut for my own reasons, but for the reasons that the money attained is used for Him. As of March 29, 2010, I will not shop for an entire year. I may even drop the time limit. I am plenty blessed with plenty of clothes, so there really is no reason to shop until I get married. Wait, what if that never happens? Oh, boy. Here goes my focusing.

By the way, you should read Blue Like Jazz.

Cameras and Creeps = Chatroulette

Roulette [noun]: A game depending on luck.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, another trend in the works for every being who owns a computer, has internet and owns a webcam. This latest trend is called "Chatroulette", and it is quickly becoming a cure for boredum, a distractor for college students and, most of all, an open door for any predator (you know, those child molesters and stalkers). Now how many of the above-mentioned actions are a good thing? I thought so. Here are the notes and rules for this incredibly distasteful trend:

Notes:

• Mirror: chatrt.com

• This application uses peer-to-peer connection. Please configure your firewall accordingly.

• If you don't want to see the "allow/deny webcam" window every time you are connected.

1. Right-click on the camera panel and select "Settings".

2. In the second tab, check "Remember" to remember your choice.

Rules:

• 16+

• Please stay clothed

• Please click "Report" (or press F2) to report your partner for breaking rules

Sixteen. That is the age "limit" to this web forum involving cameras and creeps. Then I begin to think of how how stupid was I at sixteen. My brain so underdeveloped and my knowledge so weak. I literally receive chills running up and down my spine when I read over this. As a youth leader, I would be more than angry to find a youth participating in this. I suppose it is because I expect that they would be smarter than to devote their time to a "game" that is not so much a game. Granted, I have never given my time to this Chatroulette - mainly because I have better things to do with my time - but the thought of it brings images of horror stories and the sound of Nancy Grace's voice, screaming and carrying on in such a passion of how another teen has gone missing.

I know the discussion with my friends about this particular "game" brought many different views, mainly those that were not in agreement with mine - "It is no different than Facebook" and "What were you doing at that age?". Which is fine; we are all entitled to our own opinions. Perhaps it is just the environment I grew up in, with my mother not even in agreement with my Xanga account and my Myspace being deleted thirteen times. Thanks, mom.

What ever the opinion is, I would love to hear it. What do you think about this fad "Chatroulette"?

Also, thank you to my new followers: Danielle and Rabena - whom I both know. Thank you, lovely ladies.

Picking, Parting and Pinpointing.

My thought process has come to a halt lately, and while this is normal for many, I would rather make excuses. For example, an excuse may be one like: Perhaps it is the Band-Aid that wraps my right, middle finger that is stalling me? Right. Well, in light of this all, I am typing with the Band-Aid intact and the hindering it provides is only that of a feeling that I have an overgrown middle finger. Papa middle finger? Okay.

Really, the entirety of this post is to pick at these thoughts that are making themselves too comfortable. By floating, these thoughts take up too much space. By hiding, they become lost. It is all one enigma that I cannot escape, so here I am; I am picking and I am parting these thoughts that feel entrapping. My halt can take its blame on the bed of chaos that I have been wrapped in. It is not the chaotic feeling that one may feel on a restless day; rather it is a healthy chaos that is taking root inside of me. In fact, the word "feel" does not seem fitting in this. It is more than a "feeling", because this is true and this is real. It has validity. Now the word "it" seems unfitting.

God. "It" is Him. The "feeling" is Him and He is everywhere. Even writing now, it seems so daunting to put into words the things that I am experiencing. This is a part in life to be pinpointed and tacked onto a board, to serve as a reminder to the what's, the why's, the how's and the where's that will eventually ensue. Because it has been incredibly hard to put into the words how God is working in my life, my writing pulled the emergency brake. I took the time to disengage and to figure out this light that has been shown onto a part of myself that I never knew. I seem to have fallen into a grace where I can be nothing but humble. The humility made its appearance once these questions flooded my mindset:

Do you know what it is like to dislike the person you are?
Do you know what it is like to one day feel so discouraged, because hope was placed in the wrong plug?
Do you know what it is like to crumble beneath the One who can speak to your heart?

I do. These hopes, these dreams, and this life - I had held onto them for far too long. My relationship with God had become stale and every inch was my fault. This revelation told is one that has been swirling in my head and I feel it has gone untold to even myself. I am not who I was. For God showed me that even these words - hate, spite, cynicism, revenge - cannot be held onto as I am running toward His heart; as His heart does not hold these words. No, no. The words that are found at His core are those of love, submission and forgiveness. Teaching myself to be the forgiver, to be the lover, and to be the submitter is a lesson that is learned every single day. This realization seems cliché, but putting all of this into practice in a world that hinders for a career, I cannot begin to explain the bruising caused from this awakened life.

I am bruised here and I am bruised there, but I will push. I will "fight the good fight" and I will "forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead". As this new person that God is forming me to become, I am taking steps in the direction He has planned all along. I am learning to love God with all of my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength. With my thoughts picked and my thoughts parted, my pinpointed mark is made.

"Wake up, O' sleeper, the glory came through.

The glory shines through. We're wide awake now."