Distinguishing at the Stop Sign

Lately I have been trying to find the line between submission, in a genuine, Christ-like manner and becoming a doormat. I feel that by distinguishing this line, I will have a better understanding as to how to approach certain situations. While these situations will remain anonymous and I cannot go into full detail of how I came upon this stop sign in life, I can say that it has been a long stop.

I have been sitting at this stop sign and putting one foot forth, then taking it back, thinking about it, and doing the process over again. Now I feel that I have run low on fuel and here I am trying to find this line. Again, last night I found myself driving and having this conversation in my head; I was debating with myself how Jesus dealt with his everyday life - the mocking, the slandering and countless other negative things - and how he submitted with such humility. I was so lost in this thought, that I became acutely aware of how selfish I was. I think it was the moment that I was grumbling and asking myself "Well, I wonder how much Jesus submitted?" The answer came like a swift kick to the shin:

He actually submitted His entire life.

I laughed out loud to myself. Oh, right... yeah, His life... for me... freedom... yeah. While it was humorous, it felt like I ran into a brick wall when my epiphany came. Now as I am reassembling myself from the hit, I am fearful of messing up or becoming a ball of stone as I am trying to find this line, trying to distinguish where I am supposed to stand as a Christian and my submission to authority. I will admit that it is painfully hard at the end of the day to see how much I take when trying to be the genuine Christian I am supposed to be, but I also know Christ suffered far more than I ever have or ever will.

"Submit yourselves to your authority with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:18-21

Honestly, after reading that, I feel that I have no excuse. Even feeling remotely sorry for myself and asking for sympathy is pathetic. Perhaps what it crumbles down to is that I may feel this hardship and the oppression at every side, but at the end of the day... God is for me, and if He is for me, who can be against me. That is not a question; it is a statement. I just need to keep this as a daily reminder. Lather, rinse, repeat.

This line seems clearer from here, but I must keep trekking forward in order to find that, maybe, there really is no line. The only line I can recall now is one that Jesus drew in the sand, asking "he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone..." and as the stones were dropped, the woman was won to Christ. So these stones that are thrown from this world may be painful and may cause me to run three miles without a care, but I know I am taking these hits for a reason. A wiser and more knowledgeable reason far out of my reach, but one day it will make sense.

Jazzin' and Stoppin' My Shoppin'.

I recently finished a book by the name of Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and I am happy to announce that I have a new favorite author (memoirist?). I question memoirist because, while it is a book, it is also written around the incredibly hilarious moments that Miller encounters throughout his life. His life in moments of God encounters, human interactions, hippie living and all-around character building. This is in no way a book review, but rather a synopsis. This also serves nothing more than to highly recommend this book to those who want a good laugh, a jiggle in their belly and a deeper understanding to their relationship with God or lack thereof.

I can personally attest to the "deeper understanding" when I read a specific chapter on money. Miller explained how he was terrible with money at one point-in-time (possibly still struggles, as we all do) and was craving the push of his "pleasure button" by buying a remote controlled car. Well, he had a great friend named Penny and she did one of those Christian-like things by telling Miller that there was a starving child in such-and-such place and by buying this remote controlled car, he was hindering that child’s hope. Excuse my paraphrasing; I will get to my point soon. Then Miller began to explain Penny's character and how she was quite the selfless one. So much so, that she even stopped shopping for clothes for an entire year - all to make sure that her money was going to those who were starving in such-and-such place.

As I closed off that chapter, I was lost in the thought of Penny and her selfless act. I know it is not a notable selfless act, nothing comparable to running inside of a burning building to save a puppy. However, say that to the person (me) that finds something cheap, justifies the need for it in their (my) life, and makes the purchase almost every time. In getting to my point in a timely manner, I have decided to put a stop on my shopping for an entire year. I am mentally preparing myself for this action because I need to know that I am doing this for the right reason(s). Monthly, I am supporting a child in Northern Uganda for their education; I have bills; tithing to church - which is not my money to begin with - and the small necessities. Thus, my shopping habit can be snipped for a year, because "my" money is supposed to go elsewhere, anyway.


I just want to make myself aware that this habit is cut, ultimately, for God. I do not want it cut for my own reasons, but for the reasons that the money attained is used for Him. As of March 29, 2010, I will not shop for an entire year. I may even drop the time limit. I am plenty blessed with plenty of clothes, so there really is no reason to shop until I get married. Wait, what if that never happens? Oh, boy. Here goes my focusing.

By the way, you should read Blue Like Jazz.

Cameras and Creeps = Chatroulette

Roulette [noun]: A game depending on luck.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, another trend in the works for every being who owns a computer, has internet and owns a webcam. This latest trend is called "Chatroulette", and it is quickly becoming a cure for boredum, a distractor for college students and, most of all, an open door for any predator (you know, those child molesters and stalkers). Now how many of the above-mentioned actions are a good thing? I thought so. Here are the notes and rules for this incredibly distasteful trend:

Notes:

• Mirror: chatrt.com

• This application uses peer-to-peer connection. Please configure your firewall accordingly.

• If you don't want to see the "allow/deny webcam" window every time you are connected.

1. Right-click on the camera panel and select "Settings".

2. In the second tab, check "Remember" to remember your choice.

Rules:

• 16+

• Please stay clothed

• Please click "Report" (or press F2) to report your partner for breaking rules

Sixteen. That is the age "limit" to this web forum involving cameras and creeps. Then I begin to think of how how stupid was I at sixteen. My brain so underdeveloped and my knowledge so weak. I literally receive chills running up and down my spine when I read over this. As a youth leader, I would be more than angry to find a youth participating in this. I suppose it is because I expect that they would be smarter than to devote their time to a "game" that is not so much a game. Granted, I have never given my time to this Chatroulette - mainly because I have better things to do with my time - but the thought of it brings images of horror stories and the sound of Nancy Grace's voice, screaming and carrying on in such a passion of how another teen has gone missing.

I know the discussion with my friends about this particular "game" brought many different views, mainly those that were not in agreement with mine - "It is no different than Facebook" and "What were you doing at that age?". Which is fine; we are all entitled to our own opinions. Perhaps it is just the environment I grew up in, with my mother not even in agreement with my Xanga account and my Myspace being deleted thirteen times. Thanks, mom.

What ever the opinion is, I would love to hear it. What do you think about this fad "Chatroulette"?

Also, thank you to my new followers: Danielle and Rabena - whom I both know. Thank you, lovely ladies.

Picking, Parting and Pinpointing.

My thought process has come to a halt lately, and while this is normal for many, I would rather make excuses. For example, an excuse may be one like: Perhaps it is the Band-Aid that wraps my right, middle finger that is stalling me? Right. Well, in light of this all, I am typing with the Band-Aid intact and the hindering it provides is only that of a feeling that I have an overgrown middle finger. Papa middle finger? Okay.

Really, the entirety of this post is to pick at these thoughts that are making themselves too comfortable. By floating, these thoughts take up too much space. By hiding, they become lost. It is all one enigma that I cannot escape, so here I am; I am picking and I am parting these thoughts that feel entrapping. My halt can take its blame on the bed of chaos that I have been wrapped in. It is not the chaotic feeling that one may feel on a restless day; rather it is a healthy chaos that is taking root inside of me. In fact, the word "feel" does not seem fitting in this. It is more than a "feeling", because this is true and this is real. It has validity. Now the word "it" seems unfitting.

God. "It" is Him. The "feeling" is Him and He is everywhere. Even writing now, it seems so daunting to put into words the things that I am experiencing. This is a part in life to be pinpointed and tacked onto a board, to serve as a reminder to the what's, the why's, the how's and the where's that will eventually ensue. Because it has been incredibly hard to put into the words how God is working in my life, my writing pulled the emergency brake. I took the time to disengage and to figure out this light that has been shown onto a part of myself that I never knew. I seem to have fallen into a grace where I can be nothing but humble. The humility made its appearance once these questions flooded my mindset:

Do you know what it is like to dislike the person you are?
Do you know what it is like to one day feel so discouraged, because hope was placed in the wrong plug?
Do you know what it is like to crumble beneath the One who can speak to your heart?

I do. These hopes, these dreams, and this life - I had held onto them for far too long. My relationship with God had become stale and every inch was my fault. This revelation told is one that has been swirling in my head and I feel it has gone untold to even myself. I am not who I was. For God showed me that even these words - hate, spite, cynicism, revenge - cannot be held onto as I am running toward His heart; as His heart does not hold these words. No, no. The words that are found at His core are those of love, submission and forgiveness. Teaching myself to be the forgiver, to be the lover, and to be the submitter is a lesson that is learned every single day. This realization seems cliché, but putting all of this into practice in a world that hinders for a career, I cannot begin to explain the bruising caused from this awakened life.

I am bruised here and I am bruised there, but I will push. I will "fight the good fight" and I will "forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead". As this new person that God is forming me to become, I am taking steps in the direction He has planned all along. I am learning to love God with all of my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength. With my thoughts picked and my thoughts parted, my pinpointed mark is made.

"Wake up, O' sleeper, the glory came through.

The glory shines through. We're wide awake now."

The weekend my friends made me feel like Paris Hilton.

Hello, my little tamales. Not only am I back, I am also 21! Time flies when one is walking on the road of life. Nevertheless, I am packed with pictures and ready to show 'em off. Before I begin unraveling these pictures, I must say, I felt like Paris Hilton - my birthday was celebrated every day of the weekend because my friends are that awesome.

Friday night: Small group with my lovelies. We had a tasty Mexican dinner prepared for us by the men:

Why yes, our tummies were full and gassy indeed.

Saturday: The girls and I packed ourselves into my car, with bags nestled tightly in the trunk, and headed to Orlando to spend the day and night. All to welcome my 21st year at precisely 12:00 AM. Apparently, my sneaky, yet such amazing friends had surprises in store. As seen below, I was taken to Graffiti Junktion, Improv and then we walked around the town. Oh, and notice my iPhone ownership-excitement.

  

Sunday: Possibly my favorite day. The girls and I woke up, went to the mall, then went to lay out by Lake Eola. I even had the chance to snag some great pictures. It was so amazing. Then we finished Sunday with an amazing church service (yes, our church is in Orlando).

                                      

And more can be found on my Flickr account off to the side.

Of course, I cannot forget to thank my new followers! Elizabeth, whom I personally know. David, whose posts are full of humor and sweet, Kahea. Thank you, sweets!

Bittersweet Twenty.

[Photo is taken from Flickr]

Das righ'. My birthday is cruisin' around the corner faster than you can say "candlestick" fifteen times over. Try it. I dare you. I shall post the festivities of the night once the weekend is over. Before the welcoming of my twenty first year, I have decided to list the most magnificent of things that have occurred over the past twenty years of my life.

1. My birth (I mean, really, that was a pivotal moment.)
2. My 16th birthday. It was like an MTV's "My Super Sweet 16". Except, in my living room, with Chik-Fil-A or'dourves. Oh, and one really great rendition of Gwen Stefani's song "Crash". I know. Ballin'.
3. Finding God at age 18 (comparable to birth).
4. Discovering that the act of changing someone, because I think it is necessary, is ever so impractical. It is their own push and their own willingness that will produce true change.
5. I have received the greatest of friends just this past year. They accept me through my smack talk, my poop talk, my breakdowns, my laugh attacks and just my all around madness. For the first time in my life, I can say that I have genuine friends.
6. I had a boyfriend who gave me a true outline to what a Christian relationship is. Although it did not work out, due to distance and my inability to comprehend how much he was trying to show me, I will never forget him and that experience. That relationship alone helped in the shaping of my relationship with God.
7. Becoming acutely aware that I am in love with Sushi. A big thanks to Kazu's Sushi. You ma boy.
8. I cannot forget one of the greatest moments: Going out to feed the homeless in the streets of downtown St. Petersburg and downtown Tampa. I've never seen God move so much in one day. I could go on for forever about this.
9. Being able to be apart of For the Girls International: AWAKEN Conference. I was given the opportunity to talk about how God is moving in my life in regards to impacting the community around me and my family.
10. Worship in the Woods that turned into Worship in church but with blanket forts and college kids.
11. I may be turning into a hippy. I'll check back around my 22nd birthday to give an update.
12. Actually, number 12 happened this morning. I got to work and I was on the phone, when the door opened and in walked the little girl who had spine surgery some months ago. I constantly ask her grandparents about her after work. I always see her getting off the bus in her wheelchair every day at 4PM and to see her walking today was so emotional for me. She and her sister brought me a Hostess cupcake with a candle in the middle. Talk about the best morning ever.
13. Last but not least, my becoming a youth leader at Reformation Youth Ministries, the high school ministry at my church. I never knew I could love the kids there so much. It has, figuratively, given me a new heart.

All in all, it has been a bittersweet twenty years.

Okay, now I must prepare myself for Sunday and all of its outrageous-ness (there may be rollercoasters in my near future). "Prepare" means: Get back to work at work, attend small group, make everyone eat Mexican dinner at small group -  they let a Mexican pick what dinner we should have - and then head on over to Orlando with the ladies. Have a great weekend, loves!

A Beat of Encouragement

Yesterday I received one of the nicest and one of the most encouraging messages ever.

"Just wanted to say I think it's awesome how on fire for God you are. It's very rare these days with somebody your age and it makes me smile every time you say you can see God working, because I always could too and that was the best feeling ever. You probably don't know how many lives you're affecting, we never do, but you are. It seems like you're one of God's favorite tools and that is a beautiful thing. =)"

The incredible thing about this message, though, was the fact that I've never known this guy to know God. Yet, after an extensive conversation, I found a dusty heart. I hands down believe God used him for the bit of encouragement I subconciously needed, and in return, God used his words to help me encourage him in dusting off his heart for Him. This made my heart skip a beat.

What a clever and great God I serve.