Relenting.

“You won’t relent until You have it all.”

That’s precisely the statement that sums up the course of my life at the moment. I’m not quite sure of the readers standing with God, so I do not want to come off super-spiritual or condemning. The following that is written is about my experience thus far with God.

There seems to be seasons in life when the relationship one starts up with God is comparable to a car that’s been sitting in subfreezing temperatures. So, let’s say that as I’m walking out to my car, hoping to find it a bit cozier than the outside, but it’s still rather cold - nonetheless, a shield from the blistering cold outside. As I pop the key into the ignition, I expect warmth right away. Instead, I’m met with cold air from the vents. This is all due to the lack of warmth the car had been sitting in just a season earlier.

I suppose I’ll make this crystal clear since, I’m sure, you’re wondering where I’m going with this. I’m the one attempting to start up this car for warmth – A.K.A – God. Just a season before, I had been warm and cozy with this feeling of having God in my life, saying He’s number one in my life, but only truly showing it when I was worshipping or when I was reading my Bible. That’s it. It wasn’t even an hour later I was back to being garbage; which, in return, would make me feel utterly guilty. Figuratively speaking, I would put myself in a jail cell and stay there for a couple of days. I would surround myself with guilt and my emotions would take complete control. Meanwhile, God still had me on a fishing pole, reeling me closer and closer towards Him.

To keep this remotely clever, I’ll complete this idea with my season of being the fish out of water; the suffocating and struggling fish. There’s a reality in that statement that I have yet to put into full focus, but I can see it vaguely. Which explains my situation now.

Here I am now, the little fish that has finally been reeled into God’s glory and is ready to, for the lack of a better word, ‘participate’. I seem to have come to the realization that I want the true type of relationship with God. One that doesn’t waver on what I’m feeling that day or how my relationships outside of God are going. I want God to be number one, as He should be. So far the adventure has been heartbreaking. It’s completely true that God will give and God will take away. I’ve learned to come to terms with things that have to end while I am learning to place God above everything. Sorting out my relationship with God means to literally take those things that are either hindering or covering up His shining glory and put them to the side.

With that said, for however long it takes for me to become stable with my relationship with God, I am not and will not let anything interfere. It’s going to be tough because I am merely human, but this is truly the only way I am going to better myself for any future relationship other than God. I’m more than anxious to grab hold and see what else is in store – heartbreaking and/or exciting.

The next verse to the song above is how I’d like to end this blurb.

“My heart is Yours.”

Today I learned...

This post will be written from a viewpoint that took place on Friday. So, when I say "today" I am referring to Friday.

Exposures can happen in many different instances. For example, you can be exposed to sunlight, or H1N1 or to a life-changing event. My recent exposure came when I opened a new door in my life. It was similar to sunlight, something like H1N1, and very much of a life-changing event - all tangled into one, it went like so.

Today. Today I learned that there is more in this world than Christmas spirit. Instead, there's a spirit of greed and a spirit selfishness. I don't want to say these things cynically, but it's so easy overlook these things when we're consumed with days like Black Friday. Today I learned that my money isn't my money at all. My money sits in an account that "makes the world go 'round", but today I learned that there's a world that has stopped in certain places, and money is to blame. Today I learned that I have a bed to sleep in, while there's someone with concrete to support their dreams. Today I learned that hot food means more to those who don't have it every day than to those who can easily order it from a fast food chain.

Today I learned of three new names - Eric, Lazarus, and Janette. Today these three names have been engraved onto my heart. Today I wanted to share friendship more than I ever have before. I wanted sell my belongings and prevent a lifestyle such as these three have from leaking. The cracks of society seem small, but once I was placed in the middle of society and its cracks, I truly saw the enormity of it all. The cracks are vast, wide and absolutely terrifying.

Today I learned that I have amazing, amazing, amazing friends who want to join together and fill the cracks that were caused by the wrong with the right. These friendships alone glow with the love that is needed to help right the wrong.

Today I saw the sun shine in some very dark places. Today I saw a living virus called homelessness spread to the those who haven't been able to attain everything they've ever wanted. Today I saw Justice being Served right in front of my eyes and the exposure was the most incredible experience thus far. Today I learned that I still have so much to learn, and every lesson learned will ultimately put reality into focus on why I am alive.

"We will be Your hands, we will be Your feet.

We will run this race for the least of these.

In the darkest place, we will be Your light."

My Suffering Sin.

Loving my enemies. Yes, yes that is what I suffer from. This is the one thing that I find most challenging when it comes to my every day living. It's not the forgiveness that I find hard nor is it the forgetting part. It's the bitterness that bites and tears at my insides when the person repeatedly does the action of what ever I had already forgave and forgotten them for.

This happens more at the work place than any other setting and I cannot stress enough at how badly I am burned by the annoyances. Whether it's a co-worker who is the annoyance or a call, I feel like I am eaten alive by these daily irritations and I feel overwhelmed. What it comes down to is that I am not loving my enemies. See, even the word 'enemies' sounds so harsh, like, I'm about to step into a battle; therefore, let's change the word 'enemy' to 'adversary' for the time being.

Okay, let me be blatantly honest for a second or two and write out what I am truly feeling - I probably will regret this. Opinions, we all have them, we are all familiar with ours and we tend to throw them like darts when we're offended in a conversation. Let's just say that one is to work with a very highly opinionated person who has recently been noted as an 'adversary'. The problem is, is that these opinions that this person holds are used in times when they aren't asked for. For example, imagine it's story time and you're reading a book to children whom have just found out that the Three Little Pigs are being harassed by the Big Bad Wolf. Suddenly, one child spurts out that, really, the Big Bad Wolf has every right to be blowing down their houses and there's no if, ands or buts about it. Story time is ruined.

Must be slightly annoying to the story teller. Try having this done during adult story time and about serious conversations. Opinions are thrown around the office I work at like flying missiles, when no one asked for war. It's absolutely mind-boggling to me that one would think that their opinion overrides whatever it is (like, let's say, raising money to feed the needy on Thanksgiving). The opinions, or missiles, that are thrown in my direction are always aimed to offend. Honestly, I cannot fathom why anyone would want to do such a thing to anyone. My opinion? If you don't like what I'm saying, don't share. I don't share my thoughts on everything I disagree with your life. Why?

Because it's not my place.

Back to loving my adversaries. It's extremely tough. I have Bible verses written so I catch myself before throwing a missile back, but sometimes my own self kicks into gear. I cannot stand my actions or myself in those moments, but what am I to do? Love my adversary. That's the only answer I know. Love them because that's the right thing to do. But really, all I want to do is love them because it'll kill them. It's put such a bad taste in my mouth, but I have to persevere. Grudges are something I've never been good at, and it'll remain that way. I suppose I'll continue on my way while bringing forth a good manner when the situation arises.

Love my enemies. No matter what. Right? Right.

Love.

"... love is a reverence, and a worship, and glory, and the upward glance. Not a bandage for dirty sores. But they don't know it. Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it - the total passion for the total height - you're incapable of anything less."

- The Fountainhead written by Ayn Rand

The film 'Once'.

I'd like to happily announce that I've been introduced to the film Once, and I must say that it is one of the best films I've ever seen.

The songs that are, by the way, originally written, have the most beautiful lyrics. In fact "Falling Slowly" won an Academy Award. Another great fact about Once is that it was made in a matter of eight days and there is no adjustment to lighting, which only adds to its dramatic pull.

I recommend this film for that rainy day or that day your heart needs a smile. There's such a great pull into the film and the voices of both Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova will sure to be the music added to your iPod and singing through your headphones.

"Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black. You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself. It's time that you won. Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice. You've made it now"

Thank you's, mommy's, and little men.

I haven't any idea on what to post about. My "Reestablishment of Love" post received more attention and love than I had expected. Not only did my cheeks hurt from smiling, but my heart smiled, too.

Since my ideas have been scarce, I decided to write about four lovely little boys whose mommy's are absolutely amazing. The mommy's are young, but that makes no difference. Their beauty shines through their kids, and it gives me much anticipation for my mommy moment. Below are some of the most handsome little boys one could ever conceive.

This first one is my god son, Christian, and my best friend, Angel.

Their journey together is such an amazing story. I love them so much.

This is Elijah. I can tell you he loves to drool and

his mommy, Danielle, is always there to wipe it up.

They're both so amazing. I love them!

This little guy is Larry. Larry's beautiful mommy is Meighan.

Also, how great is this picture?!

This little smiley is Aiden and his amazing mother is Samantha.

I've known her since high school,

and our nicknames weren't nearly as cute as this little man.
* * * * *

One more thing: I would love to thank Miss Moose and her incredibly sweet post. She has encouraged not only my writing, but plenty of others. I would like to give her an e-hug, because those are the type of posts that make others and myself smile. I'd also like to welcome my new followers: Tinkerbell, Nicolette Kristin, and Tiffany! I thank you girls so much for the following of my very Unhinged Thoughts.

The Reestablishment of Love.

I want to start out by asking: "What does love mean to you?" Think about the answer before too many thoughts pile into your mind, and then take the main thought and keep it until I'm done writing this entry and see if your meaning of 'love' lines up.

To me, the word 'love' takes on two meanings: 1) A relationship in which two people share a common feeling for one another, and 2) The platonic type of love - the love for your mother, father, sibling and so forth. It wasn't until I became a Christian did I realize the true meaning of love and what God intends it to mean. With this blog, whether you're a Christian or not, hopefully the real meaning of love will come across in a clearer way.

Obviously my definition of love has always been a physical type of love - the X's and the O's - but never the type of love that I can look at someone and say to myself "I have no idea who they are, what they've done or where they've been... but I love them." Age, race, and gender, these things don't exist when love is applied. The application of love is not a respecter of people. Just like God. According to WikiAnswers, the Bible refers to love "approximately 311 times". With that stated, most Christian's know the verses 1 Corinthians 13 where it speaks of love, but my favorite part is at the end when Paul wraps it up by stating:

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Have you ever wondered what Paul meant by this? It's taken a lot of thought, but an epiphany came to me one night while in the car with my boyfriend. Our conversation was on the subject of love and what God has intended for this word. My thought was:

"I think God has intended to show us that He knew that love is difficult for us. Love is this feeling that is supposed to be given to anyone without thought; something that is not based off physical attraction. God obviously knew that this was to be one of the hardest struggles as man. We get mad as we're in traffic because someone is driving entirely too slow for our liking, so we do things that are completely un-Christian. We're fully human, it's just what we do. God has set out to show us that if we show love, the real true love that He has reiterated 311 times, then we're really running after His heart and desiring what He wants in our lives."

My thoughts started out as a jog, then they turned into a full-fledged sprint. I wanted to turn to the next person I saw and scream that I loved them. Of course I didn't do this, because I didn't want the awkward stares or the cops called, but what I did do was change my outlook. I did this entire reboot of the word love in my "brain dictionary" and reestablished it as something that doesn't limit itself. I am to love the homeless, the drug addict, the Jehovah's witness that shows up at my door, the guy who cuts me off in traffic and the person on the phone who has endless questions. My heart is to be God's heart. My heart is to reach out to every single person without judgement or a second thought. That's what He has intended all this time.

I don't want to be taken wrong in this blog post. When I became a Christian, I knew that my definition of love had to change, but I never quite put it into action. It took sometime but what it came down to was the act of defrosting my heart to realize God's meaning and to have a reestablishment of love.

I have a shirt that I wear sometimes that boldly says: "Love God, Love Others", and it now feels great to know this is what I am literally doing.

Now, what does love mean to you?