Success on a schedule.

I was just writing about how there was nothing on the deck of my mind, waiting to drop off into words, when I realized a little pickle that I have run into in life. This really sounds like I just went to look for something to complain/write about, but I promise that it was Facebook's fault. I was just doing my hourly lurking, looking at every ones status', when I came across my friends update that she was officially a junior in college (Hey, Leah!) and I was suddenly completely bummed out.

See, I graduated in 2007, and with the correct calculations, I should be a junior... but I'm not. Instead, I'm a sophomore still and I feel so far behind in my education that it makes my stomach turn each time. I suppose a detailed explanation could give away the reason as to why I'm still floating in my education bowl, so I'll keep it brief and as undramatic as possible.

My parents have this ideal image of me being some crazy successful daughter. One who will never have to depend on a man for her well-being or for anything for that matter. There is definitely something that is skewed with their view, though. They believe that my time at work is more valuable than my time in school; therefore, I must work more than I go to school. It's quite the contradiction since my education will overall determine my career and all of this independence on my own; however, they suddenly become hearing impaired and blind once I try to explain the logicality of it all. They won't hear my need to take off time from work and have more time for school. They throw back their childhood stories of eating noodles, working all day and then going to school in the meantime and how they made it to be successful. By the time the stories are over, I want to shout,

"THAT'S REALLY GREAT. I'M TERRIBLY EXCITED FOR YOUR SUCCESS, BUT THIS IS ME. I WANT TO RECEIVE MY AA BEFORE I AM 30 AND MY MAJOR BEFORE I AM 53."

But... I can't. They don't care. I'm in the wrong, apparently.


So, it's days like these and status' like those that just bum me out. I'm more than excited for someone to finally be where they want to be, but why can't that just be me for once? I want to go to school Monday through Friday instead of working those days. I don't want all of this crazy stress at the age of 20. It's unbearable some days.

I guess what it boils down to is that one day I'll be done and one day I'll have a major. By that time, I'm sure, the rapture will happen and I'll just write for Heaven.

Oh, lawdy.

Season Tease.

There's a certain feeling of Fall around Florida. It seems to still carry the scent of Summer and while there are more breezes than Summer offers, there's not much of a difference. With that said, I have realized that I miss the feeling of being able to have a tangible feel in a season change. Sure, I can look around my neighborhood and tell that the leaves on trees know it's that time of year and it's time that they start shading and falling to the ground for an irritated owner to rake them up. What I don't feel is any slight change in the weather. Instead, it's still quite muggy out, it's still raining like Noah and his Ark are waiting for me somewhere out there and Florida stores, most of the time, still keep their summer line out. It's incredibly depressing if you ask me.

Don't even get me started on Winter. I can talk forever on how I am craving a snowball fight, the act of making a snowman and naming him something completely ridiculous and wearing layers upon layers of clothes only to stand out in the snow for a total of five minutes, because my little bones cannot withstand the cold. Now, while in Florida and I receive "Winter's" that only tickle my toes when it's chilly out. There's no need to buy hot chocolate for Christmas, because you're more than likely to be sitting outside, in a tank top, opening up your gifts. How bland.

Florida is completely unfair to one who would like to feel the love of each season. I swear, each season comes with a kiss; it lands right on your cheek and brings about a soft exhale - letting you realize that it's here and it's time for a whole new wardrobe and it even feels like it could be a new start.

However, my new starts will never occur as long as I reside in this state and have the love bugs love with their love guts all over my windshield each Summer, feel my three added breezes that Fall brings and the tickle of cold that Winter gives. It's all such a tease.

Reality bites.

I haven't posted in a while. It is most likely because the amount of stress that work, school and having a boyfriend can be. It is absolutely draining. Especially lately... I'm disliking my job, my boyfriend complains that I'm 221x more stressed out than usual and, well, school isn't so bad.

I really want a break from life. One of those breaks where it's just me, myself and I and we're relaxing somewhere very tropical and Jack Johnson songs are playing in the background on shuffle.

But I can't, because reality is all too real and it feels unremitting to my wants and needs. I suppose I'll ride this train out, but I don't know how long I can take the ride before jumping off.

I'm kidding.

I guess I can only say one thing: Such is life.

I'll add that to a sticky note.

Stinky words.

I must admit: There is something about a mouth that leaks nothing but curse words and drops of "F" bombs that is more than mildly unattractive. In fact, I find it insanely distasteful whenever a curse word is dropped.

One of the funniest instances that I come across on a regular basis is how the male species believes that this is the way to reel a girl in. I'm really not sure what draws any guy to this conclusion, but the last time a guy swooped me off of my feet using nothing but curse words was when I was around the age of 10. My 10-year-old self found out what curse words were and so, of course, any guy that was cursing up a storm was thought to be some kind of awesome boy and he must know what he's talking about with those words. Are you catching what I'm throwing yet?

See, today's society looks at cursing nothing more than a foreign word used to spice up an explanation of an event, person, place or anything for that matter. When sentences stream from a mouth and they're full of every word in the "No-No" dictionary, I want to ask if they've read any intelligent novels lately or just say, "Really? You could not answer me with any other words in their place?" It's not that I am completely against the use of foul language, it's just the excessive use. It's trashy and unattractive - especially if you're a lady. Well, maybe if you're a British brute, then you'd socially pass... but if you're American - I just "aint" havin' it.

I hope no one thinks my panties are just in a bunch. I just find the act of cursing because you're low of on the amount of words your brain stores, blatantly put, unintelligent. You may drop your bombs, but please, don't do it around me. They come off stinky.

Commitment: My cure or curse?

My life has been utter chaos lately. It's been nothing but twists and turns, zig-zags and dead ends and then starting over again. I feel like most of the situations that have been occurring are, somewhat, out of my control. There's a fear instilled within me now that I am unquestionably afraid of commitment. That word itself scares the skin right off of me.

Commitment.

Isn't that such an easily said word, yet such a hard action to perform? I just went on Thesaurus.com and tried to find other words for commitment and this is what I got:

'Charge, committal, duty, engagement, guarantee, liability, must, need, ought, pledge, promise, responsibility, undertaking, vow, word.'

My heart sank and my mouth became very, very dry after reading those words. I started to over-analyze it all and then I was hit with an epiphany... I'm only 20. Thank goodness, right? Wrong. As of right now, I am in a relationship that one would call "serious" from a distance, but "too serious" from a close proximity. See, if I were to tell this guy that I wanted to be married to him tomorrow, I would be married tomorrow. Isn't that scary? Some may say no, because it's nice to have a guy who cares for you and wants to be with you; however, what if the relationship is just at an unhealthy state? It is at that part where any failing relationship gets to - where the heart of it is barely beating and there's nothing else to revive it. What do you do then? I literally feel like I'm living in lyrics of a song, two to be precise (see: "Hot 'n Cold - Katy Perry and "Decode" - Paramore) and with every line of the song, the more true the reality of the relationship becomes.

How does one go about saying "How much longer can we fake it?"

It's so heartbreaking to wonder how it all got to this place. How we both brought out each others worst and we're chugging along because we believe it's what we want. How did it get this way? The insecurities that ride on your shoulder and that you fire constantly, while I'm left feeling like there's nothing else I can show or prove to you that I have wanted you and only you all this time. I am literally beaten down. The worst of it all, is that I've told you this time and time again, but it just brings up another fight. Then it rolls over to my calculation if whether or not I can even explain things to you. How in the world did it get this way?

Commitment. It's such an ugly word, but I want so badly to believe in it. It shouldn't be a hard thing if this were meant to be, right? Things should not and cannot be this way. I'm 20 years young and the relationships only seem to get harder up hill, because at this age we're looking for someone to commit to, not just a fling - unless you're into that kind of thing. Maybe that's it though, maybe we all start out ready to commit and once we reach that inner core, we just find out that it's not something to actually commit to.

I wish things like this were easier done than said. Maybe we'd all save ourselves from heartbreak after heartbreak and the sweeping thought of "What if I am just the neighborhood cat lady?" No one likes that thought. What it comes down to, is that I just have to learn from each relationship that isn't my commitment just yet; learn the rights, the wrongs, the lefts, the rights, and, eventually, end up on my straight and narrow road.

My excuse for liking the show 'Tool Academy'.

Alright, so I don't typically watch the reality shows that are full of scrawny men who wear giant clocks around their necks and trashy women who prefer sleeping with all contestants to figure out which one will be "the one", but as I channel surfed late into the night (it was really only, like, nine o' clock) I fell upon a screen full of excited guys jumping out of a bus, doing cartwheels and numerous other very feminine things and I was utterly intrigued.

My fascination brought me to the fact that I was now drawn into the show "Tool Academy". Now, most times I would immediately turn the channel and dismiss the fact that I even considered watching it, but that switch in my brain was broken... see, I sat through the entire episode. Apparently, this was the second season of this "Tool Academy" and its purpose is to take total "tools" and turn them into real gentlemen. Urban Dictionary has the definition of a "tool" as this:

"Contrary to what many people (usually tools) think, being a tool has nothing to do with being easily manipulated. Those people are simply "suckers". In fact, tools often take life too seriously, and therefore try too hard to manipulate others and to win everything, but always playing by the rules of society. Intellectual pursuits are not of any interest to a tool, and people who are interested in them are "stuck-up" or "faggy". A tool just likes to have a few beers, watch and talk about sports constantly, and refer to women as "sluts" and themselves "players". Tools are usually borderline retarded, but hide it well because they have the uncanny ability to conform almost perfectly to social norms. If a movie, or song becomes popular in society, the tool will quickly adapt said movie or song as one of their favorites (see Lil' Jon, Souljah Boy, Boondock Saints). Their "social commentary" is often crudely taken from the last episode of South Park. A tool can usually be spotted wearing a backwards baseball cap and athletic attire, playing beer pong at any large, obnoxious party where loud mainstream rap music is played."

I know, I laughed, too. But I completely understood the definition once I saw these guys interact with people around them and their poor girlfriends, and their inability to act anything remotely close to a gentleman. These guys were so engrossed with themselves, that I was surprised not to find them locked in a room, making love to a mirror - it was just that bad. I must say, though... this show is absolutely hilarious. These guys are not only "tools", but they're also practically brain dead. One guy believed that the word "pissity" actually existed and the most steriod-loving contestant said this sentence after he calmed down from being livid he was on the show - "Alright, I changed my tampon, took some Midol and I'm ready to go back out there." ... really? I don't see why anyone would not want to watch this show.

There is a positive thing to learn from this show, too. Each couple that is on there is trying to work through their rocky relationship by showing the guy how big of a "tool" he truly is. So, they're given these competitions against other couples and they must work together to try and win. I really just want to see what guy will be willing to change for his girlfriend or, really, the 100K that is promised in the end.

Sure, some may believe it's staged and all the relationships are fake, but don't try to come and burst my bubble; I never get any fun out of most reality shows and it's fun to see a guy who believes he is God's gift to man, turn into a guy who doesn't have to use a bottle of gel a day and can actually treat a woman with respect.

Plus, I want to be able to laugh twice as hard at what ever Joel McHale has to say about the show.